act like you love me
by graceviolets
Summary: everything isn't perfect, no, scratch that, nothing's perfect. but when Quinn's grandparents visit, she wants to act like it is.
1. Chapter 1

"I need a favor."

He turned around to face her. She tried to look confident, but he knew that she wasn't. He could tell by the way she was wringing her hands.

"No" he yawned.

"You don't even know what I'm going to ask you!"

"Nope."

He sat down on the bleachers and drank from his bottled water. She didn't want to sit down, he could tell. She frowned at him. People usually didn't say no to Quinn Fabray.

"Look, my grandparents are coming in to town and my dad told them about the baby. And he told them we're still together."

Puck snorted.

"Then just tell them that we're not."

"I can't."

She fidgeted on the spot. Puck tilted his head to one side. He had never met her grandparents, but he had met her father once. That was enough.

"They'd kill me" he said.

"No" she told him. "No, they really wouldn't. They just don't want me be to be a disgrace. Well, more of a disgrace."

He shook his head in disbelief.

"Look" she begged, her voice frantic now. "I'll even pay you. It's just for a few weeks. All you have to do is come to few dinners, I promise."

"How much?"  
>"What?"<br>"How much will you pay me?"

She rolled her eyes.

"Whatever you want."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

…

"Remind me why you're doing this again" Santana drawled.

She sat on her bed, cross-legged, reading a magazine.

"I need money" Puck told her.

"For what?" she snorted. "Planning on going to college?"

He threw a pillow at her.

"Shut up" he sighed. "You're supposed to help me look good."

"That" Santana sneered "would be impossible."

He rolled her eyes at her. She wasn't helping. Maybe she was right. Why was he doing this? He could earn money in easier ways. He was putting himself in danger. Who knew what the Fabrays would do with him.

"Wear a white button-down and dark pants" Santana told him.

He rummaged in the back of his closet and came out with the shirt he had bought for Burt and Carole's wedding. It needed ironing.

"Are you going to _act _in front of her family? Like kiss and shit?"

"I doubt her grandparents would approve of kissing" Puck said. "I already knocked her up once, might be best not to touch her."

"Might be better to stay the hell away from her all together."

Puck rolled his eyes at her.

"Thanks for the support, San."

"Anytime."

She got up, pushed him out of the way and started searching his closet. She came out with a pair of black slacks that Puck had worn only once. They were awfully preppy.

"Here" she said, handing them to him. "And don't say that I never help you."

…

Quinn was cold. And nervous. Her feet hurt, but there was no place to sit. The arrivals hall of the airport was crowded, people wanted to welcome their friends and families home for Christmas. Her grandparents were flying in from Connecticut.

"There they are" her father murmured.

He looked clammy and nervous. No one could make Russell Fabray look nervous. No one but his mother.

"Mother!" he called.

Out of the crowd came Claire and Joseph Fabray. Quinn's grandmother wore a fur coat, wrapped tightly around her thin frame. Her hair was the lightest shade of silver and piled up on her hair by black hair clip. She wore red lipstick and dark eye shadow and had a gaze of steel. Quinn felt herself shiver as her grandmother's eye landed on her.

"Russell" she said, her voice calm and hard at the same time.

She kissed his cheek.

"Hello mother" he said.

"Judith, nice to see you."

Quinn's mother had to stand on tiptoe to kiss her mother-in-laws cheek.

"Quinn."

Her grandmother's kiss felt like a breeze of cold air. The lips didn't touch Quinn's cheek.

"Hello" Quinn whispered.

She hadn't met her grandparents in a few years. And suddenly she couldn't remember if she used to call her grandmother "grandma" or "gran" or just Claire.

"How was your flight?" Judy asked.

Her voice was high and chipper.

"It was crowded" Joseph muttered.

"Let's just go home" Russell said, his smile sliding off his face.

…

Joseph Fabray wasn't someone that you looked at twice. He was medium height and though he had once been a marine, he now filled out the waistband of his pants. Next to his wife, no one noticed him. He was CEO of a big company that had run in the family for a long time. Quinn had overheard her mother telling one of her friends that Joseph wouldn't have been able to keep his authority if Claire hadn't been his wife. Something about her scared people half to death. That was why Judy had cleaned the house for days. She had hired a cleaning company, but after they left, vacuumed the floor again. The whole house smelled of air freshener and home baked cookies.

"I thought you were moving into a bigger house" Claire commented as she sat down on a chair near the fireplace.

"Well, we were. But well, with Katherine at college and Quinn leaving soon, there wasn't really any point" Judy told her.

There was an edge to her voice.

"Just because it's just the two of you left doesn't mean that you have to compromise."

Quinn looked around. She lived the one of the biggest houses in all of Lima. It was newly renovated, had a huge garden and decorated in the newest style. This house was her mother's baby.

"We'll think about it again" Russell nodded.

Judy gave him a look and pursed her lips.

"Good" Claire said. "Where are we eating tonight?"

"Here" Russell answered. "Judy made her wonderful roast chicken."

"We're eating in?"

"Yes."

The silence that fell was so full of condescendence and disappointment that Quinn shivered.

"Is Katherine coming home?" Joseph asked.

He had always liked Katie the best.

"No, not today. She'll be here on Friday, for Christmas eve."

"Oh."

"But Quinn's boyfriend is coming tonight" Russell added, smiling brightly as if he loved Puck.

In reality, they had only met once and it hadn't been a good meeting. As her guardian, he had to sign the adoption papers. During the whole meeting, her father had never exchanged a word with Puck, not even looked at him. Quinn hadn't either, she had been too weak.

"How nice" Claire said.

Quinn could hear the sarcasm dripping off every word.

…

Puck stood a long time on the doorstep, debating if he should ring the bell or just go home. He owed Quinn nothing. It would have been different if they were still dating or even friends. But they weren't. She was just a girl that had had a baby sophomore year and he was just the guy that had knocked her up. They never spoke, not even if their friends hung out together. He owed her nothing, but in the end he raised his hand and placed in on the door bell.

"You're late" Quinn hissed.

Puck wanted to turn around and leave, but she grabbed his arm. Her grip was firm.

"Sorry" he muttered.

She didn't respond, just dragged him with her into the house. It was warm inside and it smelled wonderful. Oh well. At least he would be able to eat some good food. Maybe it would be worth it.

"Just smile a lot" she whispered as she took his leather jacket and hung it up.

He felt naked without it. The well-ironed shirt made him feel like somebody's dad.

"What are we having?" he asked, trying to sound relaxed.

She ignored him and stomped away into the living room. He followed. God, this house was insane. He hadn't been here in a while, but he was pretty sure the whole bottom floor had been remodeled.

"This is Noah" she announced.

Puck spotted Judy Fabray. She wore bright red lipstick and looked a bit frantic. He spotted Russell Fabray, one of the men that Puck detested most. And he spotted the grandparents. The old lady had a haughty look and examined him up and down. The old man nodded at him.

"The chicken is getting cold" the grandmother told him.

Puck quickly sat down. Quinn kicked his leg. He had clearly done something wrong. What, he didn't know.

"What?" he mouthed.

She just rolled her eyes. Puck stole a glance at the time. It was 7:15. Only approximately two hours and fifteen hours until he could go home and play XBOX.

…

"Tell me about yourself" the old lady ordered him.

Apparently her name was Claire, but Puck wasn't stupid enough to call her that.

"What would you like to know?" he asked.

Quinn was stiff next to him. He had never seen her like this. She hadn't smiled once through dinner, not even once, not even in a fake way. It freaked Puck out.

"You're Jewish, I presume."

"Yes."

Claire pursed her lips and wrinkled her nose, as if he smelled bad.

"We're a very traditional, catholic family" she said.

_You don't say._

"I know."

He probably should give longer answers, but he didn't know what to say. All his confidence was gone. And Quinn wasn't exactly helping things.

"Let's not discuss religion over dessert" Judy insisted, a smile plastered over her face.

"You're right, Judith" Claire nodded. "Tell me something else, _Noah_. About your family."

"Well, erm, I live with my mom and my sister."

"And your father?"

Puck tried to catch Quinn's eye. She looked away.

"He left when I was a kid."

"Oh, what a pity."

"Yes."

Puck took a sip of water, wishing for the hundredth time that he had been served something stronger. The adults were drinking wine. A lot of wine. The empty bottles that Russell carried out to the kitchen took up a whole countertop. Puck wondered how it could be that none of them were drunk. If his family had been drinking this much, they'd been dancing on top of their chairs with ties around their foreheads.

"How about college, Noah?" the grandfather asked.

"What about it?" Puck smiled, trying to joke.

Nobody smiled.

"Where are you planning on going?"

"Actually, I don't know yet."

"Quinn is going on a cheerleading scholarship to University of Notre Dame" Claire said.

Puck again tried to catch Quinn's eye. She still looked away. Wasn't anyone going to tell Claire that Quinn had quit cheerleading?

"Yes" Quinn whispered.

Her voice was horse.

"It's a very good school" Russell agreed.

Judy nodded vigorously.

"Very good."

Quinn nodded too, still facing her plate. She normally wasn't a chatterer, but never this quiet. And never this uncomfortable. Quinn Fabray could make anyone feel small and worthless. She could with one smile make someone else feel like the most important person in the world. Not tonight, though. Not tonight.

…

Puck thought that the dinner was over after dinner. He thought he would be able to go home, but no. No, it was drink time. Judy and Claire drank sherry and the men drank some super expensive whisky, that Puck betted tasted just like the crap he used to steel from the store that cost 9,99. Quinn drank water. Her small fingers were clamped hard around the glass. Her knuckles turned white.

"You should have gotten married."

Claire said it between two sips. Everyone froze. This was they all had waited for, had dreaded. Quinn sank lower into her chair.

"Mother…" Russell mumbled.

She ignored him.

"You did everything wrong" Claire continued, eyeing Puck and Quinn carefully. "Quinn, you can't imagine the disappointment I feel. Intercourse before marriage?"

Quinn said nothing. Her eyes were blank, empty.

"And you," Claire said, turning on Puck. "You should have married her. And you should have kept the baby. That would have been the right thing to do."

"Mother…" Russell tried again.

"Quinn, look up from your hands, you silly girl. You humiliated us all. "

The words made Quinn flinch, like someone had hit her. She finally looked up at her grandparents.

"I'm sorry" she whispered.

"Sorry?"

"Yes."

Her voice was hoarse and frail.

"I'm going to bed" Claire suddenly announced.

She stood up and left the room. Her husband trotted behind her, waving goodnight.

"I'd better go" Puck murmured

None of the Fabrays moved. Therefore, he got up, placed his empty glass on top of the dishwasher and went out into the hallway. There, Quinn caught up with him. She looked older and younger at the same time.

"Good night" he said, trying to sound hearty.

"She didn't buy it."

"What?"

"She knows were acting."

"How do you know?"

"I just do."

Puck sighed. He was tired.

"Look, I'll call you" he said.

"Okay."

He extended his hand to pat her cheek, but changed his mind. Instead he put on his hat and went out in the cold December night.

…

"Her family is fucked up."

Puck snatched up the last jellybean and popped into his mouth. Santana made a face at him.

"You met her parents, what did you expect?" she scuffed.

"She's lying to them, saying that she's going to some catholic school on a cheerleading scholarship."

"So?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why do you care? It's a job, right, Puck?"

Santana looked bored. Or hung-over. Maybe both. Puck still felt weird about the night before. He had hated leaving Quinn in the hallway. He had wanted to scoop her up and take her home with him. She needed someone to take care of her, but there was no one who would.

"It's weird" Puck shrugged.

"Life is fucking weird."

He shrugged again. Santana burped.

"When are you going there again?" she asked.

"Don't know yet."

"Is it worth it?" she asked, carefully. "Getting pulled into her family like this?"

"I guess I should have thought of that when I skipped the condom."

"Maybe."

She examined her nails. Puck examined her.

"You're not telling me something" he said.

She met his eyes.

"I can't tell you."

"Why not?"

"I just can't, okay?"

"Is it about the grandparents?"

Santana looked away.

"I'm just saying this. Russell Fabray is an asshole. Do you know how people usually become assholes?"

He bit his lip.

"How?"

"They get raised by other assholes."

Puck met her eyes. They said nothing for a while. Santana's jaw was set. She wasn't going to tell him more.

"Her family is fucked up" Puck repeated slowly.

Santana only nodded.

….

Quinn escaped the house before anyone else woke up. She pulled on her jacket and a hat and a scarf and went out into the newly fallen snow. It was colder than she had expected, but she kept walking. She met no one, she heard nothing but her own feet on the ground. When she walked for almost an hour, she stopped. The air was clean. She could breathe again. She could finally breathe. She shut her eyes and pulled out her phone. She had erased his number ages ago, but she knew it by heart. She was still standing with her eyes closed when he picked up.

…

Her grandfather ate breakfast when she got back. He looked anyone else in his robe and with his hair all tangled.

"Morning" he said.

"Morning" she whispered.

Her fingers were frozen. She put them other the tap and blasted water over them. All the time, she felt her grandfather watching her.

"You took a walk, Quinny?" he asked.

She nodded with her back to him.

"Yeah."

"Look, why don't you sit?" he asked. "I need to talk to you."

Quinn slowly turned. She pulled out a chair and sat down. Joseph poured her cup of coffee. It was too strong and to hot. It burned her tongue.

"I know your grandmother is tough, Quinny. But she's just looking out for you."

She nodded. He nodded back.

"I know" she whispered.

"You surprised us last year. That's why we're reacting like this."

She nodded again.

"Okay."

He patted her hand. She wanted to snatch hers away, but she didn't.

"Good girl" he smiled.

As she left the kitchen, he hummed a melody to himself.


	2. i struggle find any truth in your lies

Quinn passed tiptoed through the upper floor, making no noise, feeling almost translucent. As she walked by her parents' room, she stopped. Her father was hissing into this phone, his back turned against her. Her father never hissed. He shouted and screamed and ordered people around, but never hissed. He wasn't that type of a person.

"Katherine Fabray, get in that car now."

Quinn leaned against the wall next to the door. She couldn't hear her sister's reply, but evidently it didn't make Russell happy.

"No, I will not accept that. No. Your grandparents flew in to meet _you_, you can't stay at school during Christmas."

Katie didn't want to come home. Or didn't have time. Quinn shook her head to herself. Katie was an expert on avoiding things. During Quinn's pregnancy, her being kicked out and their parents temporary separation, Katie hadn't visited at all. She had stayed at her university in Idaho during the summer, working at some coffee shop, serving summer students decaf lattes. Quinn hadn't seen her sister in the flesh in more than two years.

"Katherine, this isn't a discussion. If you don't get your ass here before Christmas eve, I will cancel my payments for your education."

That would be a catastrophe for her. Where would she hide if she didn't have the money for school?

"Yes, that will fine. Yes, yes. Good-bye."

Russell hung up. Quinn tiptoed away. Katie was coming home, for real this time. The Fabray sister's had never been close. They were too different. But Quinn felt that Katie, who was open and funny and social, could only contribute to making Christmas a bit more survivable.

…

Puck went Christmas shopping with Santana. He had no idea why. Or maybe he had. He needed something to do so that he wouldn't have to worry about spending Christmas with the Fabray clan.

"What about this?" Santana asked him.

He was hot. God. The mall was full of late Christmas shoppers, crying babies and people trying to make him smell some random perfume.

"What?" he muttered.

She held up some kind of blender.

"Pretty."

She rolled her eyes at him and put the blender under her arm. He was already carrying two large bowls (present for Nana Lopez) and patterned tea towels (whatever that was).

"Can we just get out of this store?" he muttered.

"Fine."

She snatched the presents from his arm and headed for the register. He wandered out of store. The mall's ceiling was glass and he could see that it was still snowing outside. He longed for the cold. He felt like he was burning up.

"Now I just have to get something for Brittany and Quinn" Santana told him as she joined him outside.

She carried three large shopping bags. He took two from her (who said chivalry was dead?) and followed her into some jewelry store. Inside, he didn't dare to move. The cashier was watching him suspiciously. Apparently, sporting a Mohawk, a leather jacket and looking hung over made you a possible shop lifter. Good to know.

"Why are you standing over there?" Santana whined. "Help me!"

He made himself over to her, knocking down some cheap bracelets from a hanger on the way. Santana looked into a glass case. Her hot fingers left condensation on the glass.

"I don't know anything about this shit" he muttered.

"How about that for Brit?" she said, ignoring him and pointing at a silver necklace with a music note pendant.

"Perfect" he informed her sarcastically.

"And those ear rings for Quinn" she nodded.

"Absolutely."

The cashier opened the case and took out the jewelry. Santana inspected them and then nodded.

"Yes, they're perfect."

"Anything else?" the cashier asked.

She looked exhausted.

"You should get Quinn something."

"Why?"

"Because you're celebrating Christmas with her family."

"I'm Jewish."

She rolled her eyes

"You don't say."

"Are you celebrating Christmas with your girlfriend?" the cashier asked. "A necklace is always a good Christmas gift."

"No" Puck said, shaking his head. "She's not my girlfriend."

"Oh."

"Buy something so that you're prepared. If the grandmother asks you to give your gift and you have none, Quinn will kill you" Santana yawned.

Puck sighed heavily.

"I'm not rich" he muttered.

"Make her pay for it, it's a job, remember?"

He stared into the glass case again. Bracelets and earrings and necklaces lay on red cushion. He wasn't a romantic guy, not the type of guy that knew what kind of jewelry matched a girl's eyes. He just didn't get it. But as he scanned the content, his eyes fell on a necklace. It was silver, or some kind of imitation of silver, and on it hung a cross. Not huge, but bigger than the one she used to wear.

"That one" he said, pointing at it.

"It's white gold" the cashier informed him.

"Oh."

She showed him the price tag. He always let out a gasp. But then again, he would make Quinn pay for it.

"Can you wrap it up?" he asked.

…

"It's pretty" Santana told him during the car ride home. "The necklace."

"Yeah, I guess."

The radio was playing Christmas songs. The snow lay white on the streets. It was almost dark.

"I never would have thought that you would have picked a cross" Santana went on.

"I suppose the grandparents will like it."

"She will too."

"Maybe."

He drummed his fingers against the steering wheel, suddenly feeling restless.

"You have any beer left?" he asked.

"You want to get drunk _again_? Should I be worried?"

"Just asking."

"You probably shouldn't be hung over tomorrow."

"Probably not."

Neither of them said anything. The streets of Lima were empty. Puck wanted to tell her something, but he didn't know what. He stopped outside her house. She didn't get out.

"Call me tomorrow night and tell me how it went" she told him.

He nodded.

"Sure."

"Merry Christmas, then."

He smiled.

"Yeah, you too."

She looked at him for a long time. Maybe she wanted to tell him something too.

"Bye."

"Bye."

…

Katherine Fabray arrived early in the morning. Like some weird welcome committee they all greeted her in the hall. Quinn met her sister's eyes for the first time in years. She had gained maybe ten pounds and her hair was long and brown. She wore a thick coat and red leggings and red bow in her hair. Katie might an avoider, but in person, she was a delight. Everyone had always thought so. She was pretty, but not pretty enough for people to think that she was stupid. She had a broad smile and a laugh that made you giggle. She could lighten up any room. Everyone loved her. Always.

"Katherine" her grandfather murmured, kissing her cheek. "It's been too long."

Katie nodded.

"I've been very busy at school."

"And you should be" Claire said, nodding. "If you want to be anything, you have to work for it."

Katie kissed her cheek too. Quinn was next. Her older sister embraced her and they hugged, for a few awkward seconds. They have never been close, but not talking for two years hadn't helped either.

"Hey Quinny."

"Hey Katie."

Quinn licked her lips. She swallowed hard. Russell took Katie's bag.

"You must be hungry, dear" Judy cooed. "I made some special oatmeal for you. Just like you like it."

"Thanks mom."

They all followed her into the kitchen. Quinn hovered by the fridge, feeling out of place.

"So, what's up with you guys?" Katie asked, taking her first spoon of oatmeal.

"Nothing major."

"We bought up Kohulund INC" Joseph told her.

She nodded.

"And you, Quinn?"

Oh. Nothing. Just got knocked up by my boyfriend's best friend. Had a baby. Gave it away. Felt like shit for a year. Nothing major. Thanks for asking.

"Nothing" she answered.

Katie nodded. As the grandparents asked her older sister questions about everything, Quinn slipped away. No one noticed.

…

"Merry Christmas" Puck told her.

A slight smile curved her lips. It was the first one he had seen in a long time.

"Merry Christmas" she replied.

Her fingers brushed his as she took the leather jacket from him. He was cold, but her skin was colder.

"Thanks for coming" she whispered, leaning closer to him.

"Sure."

She bit her lip.

"They're not convinced, though."

"That we're a couple?"

She nodded. He wanted to ask her why it mattered. Claire seemed to despise him anyway.

"I'll act better" he smiled.

She smiled back. Every smile felt like a victory. He didn't know why.

"Come on" she said, taking hold of his sleeve and dragging him into the living room.

He had expected to see aunts and uncles and cousin, but the room was empty, well, almost. Katherine Fabray sat in an arm chair, reading a book. Puck hadn't seen her years. If he had met her on the street, he would probably not have been able to place her. She looked nothing like Quinn. And if Puck remembered correctly, she wasn't anything like her either.

"You're the boyfriend?" Katie said.

Puck met Quinn's eyes for a fraction of second. Surely they would tell Katie the truth?

"Yes" Quinn said, looking away from him.

"Wow" Katie smiled. "Wouldn't have guessed in a million years. Weren't you kind of teen delinquent?"

"Yep."

"Well, don't we all love the bad boys?"

She carefully gave him a hug. She didn't smell anything like Quinn either.

"You're back, then?" he asked her. "Haven't seen you around here lately."

"Dad threatened her with stop paying for school" Quinn told him.

There was an edge to her voice. A bitchy edge. It made him feel better. Apathetic Quinn scared him.

"You heard that?" Katie asked.

Quinn shrugged. She had a defiant look in her eyes.

"That's tough" Puck commented lamely.

Katie nodded. The three of them stood quietly for minute. Then Judy called for Quinn and she left to help with something.

"So, I hear you knocked up my sister" Katie yawned.

Puck was surprised by the comment, but didn't blink. He had expected this from someone in this family.

"I guess I did."

"What a sin."

"Yes."

Katie grinned. She was easygoing. Puck remembered that. She used to be the game leader on Quinn's birthday parties when they were kids.

"I bet everyone in his house hates you."

"Pretty much."

"Except Quinn."

Puck hesitated. Why were they lying to Katie? Judy and Russell knew that Puck was a fake boyfriend.

"Seems like it."

"No offense, but I would have never guessed she would be with you. Even if she liked you. I mean, Quinn Fabray cares too much about her reputation to date a Jewish criminal."

Her words were harsh, but her tone was light. He didn't care that she insulted him. He was a Jewish criminal (sort of).

"She's not like that anymore."

"Really?"

Katie raised her eyebrows.

"Really. Maybe you would know that if you came home and saw her then and again."

She snorted.

"Don't try to guilt-trip me, Puckerman. Quinn and I, we never got along. I wouldn't have been able to help her deal with the baby thing."

"Well, she needed someone."

"She had you."

Their eyes met. Katie's were blue. Not hazel like Quinn's. She smiled, but it seemed unsympathetic.

"I'll go see if they need help in the kitchen" Puck muttered.

…

Christmas dinner was an absurd affair. Everybody ignored him. They didn't ask him anything. He just ate in silence. Quinn was quiet too. All questions went to Katie. What was school like? How did she like her new apartment? Was she going to graduate early? Katie seemed to love the attention. She smiled and laughed. Joseph, the grandfather, asked her the most. He never took her eyes off her. Puck wanted to take Quinn's hand under table, to comfort her, but he didn't dare. Instead, he poured her some wine when no one looked. She drained her glass in one gulp.

"Thanks" she whispered.

She looked pale. Almost translucent. Ill. He inspected her plate. She hadn't eaten anything.

"Eat" he muttered.

She gave him a confused look.

"I have."

He shook her head. She rolled her eyes, lifted her fork and popped a potato into her mouth.

"Look, I'm eating" she mumbled.

"More" he demanded, smiling.

She shook her head in disbelief and smiled back.

"Excuse me" Claire interrupted their little game. "We're talking about Katie's future. Maybe you two should pay attention."

Quinn put down her fork. She didn't meet his eyes again.

…

Quinn felt ready to scream when the presents were being handed out. She hated this. She hated this family. She couldn't breathe. Katie laughed and smiled and thanked everyone for their gifts. Quinn could hardly master a smile. She was tired. Weak. Puck sat next to her. She wanted to seek comfort in him, but that wasn't fair. She had rejected him long ago. She had burned that bridge. Now, he was someone that she used to know. Now, she was all alone. It killed her. Why was Katie so happy? They had the same crappy family. They had both grown up in this mess. Quinn hated her for smiling so much. For being a better daughter, a better granddaughter. _I should feel sorry for her, but I can't. _

...

"I'm letting you off the hook" she said.

Puck looked down at her. She was walking him to the gate. It was cold. She hadn't bothered putting on a jacket.

"What?"  
>"Let's just stop this" she said. "There's no point."<p>

"I thought you said it would be better if it looked like we were dating…"

"I thought so, but it doesn't matter. Everything is fucked."

She rarely swore. Not like that. Puck looked a bit stunned.

"Look, Quinn…"  
>"I'll pay you soon. I don't have the cash right now."<p>

"Can't you just tell me what's going on? Why are you pale? Why don't you eat?"

She smiled sarcastically.

"We're not friends."

"We used to be."

She shook her head. Damn, it was cold.

"No, we were never friends. Not really."

"We could be, though."

She hesitated, but then shook her head.

"It wouldn't make a difference."

"Okay" he said slowly.

"Okay."

He met her eyes. His face was soft tonight. He looked like someone she could trust. If that wasn't screwed. If she wasn't screwed.

"I got you something" he mumbled and began digging inside his coat pocket.

He pulled out a tiny, blue parcel.

"Merry Christmas" he said.

"Why did you get me this?"  
>"I thought that a boy should have Christmas present for his girlfriend. Or I thought that your grandmother might think so."<p>

She almost smiled.

"Just return it" she said, handing it back.

He wouldn't take it.

"Open it."

She did. Her numb fingers tore apart the paper. Inside was a box. She opened it too. She held up the necklace against the moon light.

"Wow."

"You like it?"

She nodded. He smiled.

"Good."

She put it back in the box.

"Thank you."

"Sure."

She watched him walk away. Suddenly, everything felt a bit better.


	3. you are my sweetest downfall

…

"You gave it to her?"

"Yes."

"Even though no one expected you to?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

Puck lay down on his bed and closed his eyes. He held the phone to his ear as he stared up into the darkness of his room.

"I wanted to."

"Okay" Santana said slowly.

"They treated her badly. I mean. I don't know. I just felt bad for her."

"A pity present?"

"No. I just... I don't know."

Santana said nothing. He could hear her breathing.

"I'm worried about her" Puck said quietly.

"Okay."

"Stop saying that."

Santana sighed.

"I'm going to see her tomorrow."

"Good, get her out of that house."

Santana fell quiet again. Puck swallowed. He had a bad taste in his mouth.

"This is just job for you, right, Puck?" she asked.

He couldn't tell if she was being sarcastic or not.

"Yes" he said.

"Right."

…

Quinn felt relief as soon as she stepped into Santana's house. It smelled like detergent and food and real people.

"Merry Christmas" she said.

Brittany gave her a big hug. Her body covered Quinn's for a few seconds and made her feel more like herself at once.

"Christmas was yesterday, silly" Brittany frowned.

"I know" Quinn smiled.

She pulled her boots off and hung her jacket on a peg, just like she had a thousand times before in this house. Santana's parents worked a lot, both were doctors. That meant that the Lopez household had always been the house of choice when something was going down. Quinn had gotten drunk for the first time in this house. She had worn Mrs. Lopez lipstick and shoes at eight. She had eaten her weight in Nutella by the kitchen table.

"I made coffee" Santana said from the doorway.

She wasn't the hugging type. Especially not with Quinn. Their relationship had always been complex. A mix of love and envy and hate and friendship. It confused Brittany to death.

"Great" Quinn nodded.

She entered the kitchen. It was a mess. Unwashed dishes were stack on top of each other. The Christmas tree was lopsided and under it lay opened gifts. One part of Quinn wanted to stack the dishwasher, bring out a mop and clean the whole place. That was the Judy Fabray part of Quinn. The part that thought that if she just cleaned, things would feel better.

"Don't even think about it" Santana growled as Quinn reached for some paper on the floor.

She stood up again, brushing her hands against her thighs. Maybe she should feel ashamed, but she didn't.

"Let's open gifts!" Brittany exclaimed.

She clapped her hands in excitement. Quinn smiled.

"Yes" she agreed. "Let's."

…

Brittany tore the paper of hers. Her nails ripped through the sticky tape. She actually squealed when she held up the cat collar that Quinn had given her. She even tried it on herself and pretended that she was a cat. She crawled around on all fours and meowed. Santana smirked. If anyone else had played cat in her kitchen, she would have kicked them out. But not Brittany. They all had a soft spot for her.

"How was your Christmas?" Santana asked.

It was a perfectly normal question, but Quinn knew her friend too well to take it like that.

"Fine."

"I bet."

"Katie came home."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Dad threatened her."

Santana scowled. She was only person in the world that disliked Katie Fabray. Quinn didn't know why. Maybe she was just too perky.

"I bet she stole all the attention."

"Kind of."

Brittany ate some paper from the floor. Quinn wanted to tell that it wasn't very hygienic, but decided that Brittany was old enough to make her own decisions.

"Did they approve of Puck?"

Quinn looked up from the floor. Santana raised one of her eyebrows. Of course. Puck had told her. Puck told her everything.

"He can't help who he is."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"He's a screw up. He's a Jew. He got me pregnant. Not the best starting point."

Santana snorted.

"Well, your family is fucked up, Q."

For a second, Quinn froze. She tried to read Santana's face. She tried to stare into her mind.

"I just meant that your dad kind of kicked you out. And shit" Santana continued.

"Oh. Yeah. Fucked up."

They exchanged a look so full of meaning that Quinn's eyes hurt.

"Maybe you should tell him" Santana said quietly.

Quinn looked away.

"More coffee?" she asked.

…

"Why are you so quiet all the time, Quinn?" Katie asked.

Quinn stared at her sister in the mirror. They were brushing their teeth at the same time, just like they had when they were kids.

"No one cares what I say."

"Don't be a martyr."

Katie rolled her eyes. She had mascara under her eyes. She tried to rub it off, but it wouldn't go away. Quinn could have offered her some makeup remover. But she didn't.

"I'm not being a martyr."

"Look, just because you fucked up and got pregnant, doesn't make it okay for you mop around forever. Get. Over. It."

Quinn felt like Katie had slapped her in the face. She took a step back.

"I gave my _baby_ away" she whispered.

"When you fuck up, you deal with it."

Quinn wanted to hit her. To punch her in the face, to pull her hair, to spit in her face.

"You're not dealing" she snapped.

Katie stopped rubbing her face.

"_I_ didn't fuck up" she shot back.

_How can we be sisters? How can we be sisters and not love each other? _

"Get out" Quinn hissed.

"What?"

"Get out of my bathroom."

Katie snorted.

"It's _our _bathroom, Quinny" she said, her voice full of malice.

"No. This isn't your home anymore."

Katie rolled her eyes.

"You don't know how happy I am about that."

"So am I" Quinn bit back.

…

He bought her coffee before she arrived. A latte with extra cream. He didn't really know how he knew her coffee order, he just did. He also knew that she never ordered the extra cream herself, but when he did, she drank it with relish. Or at least she had when she was pregnant. Alot of things had changed since then.

"Hey" she said.

He turned. She had just walked inside. Snowflakes lay on her eyelashes. Her cheeks were rosy.

"I got you coffee" he murmured, handing her the hot cup.

"Thanks" she answered, cradling her hands around it.

They sat down at a corner table. The coffee shop was crowded. Friends exchanged Christmas gifts over espressos. No one looked at them. Why should they?

"What did you want to talk about?" he asked.

She pulled her coat off. She was wearing a tight, red jumper underneath. With the rosy cheeks and the loose red hair, she looked like some advert for ski holidays in Aspen.

"I don't know."

He smirked at her.

"You dragged me down here for nothing?"

She rolled her eyes.

"No. I just don't know how to put it."

"Let's be frank. You wanna talk about the weird job you got me."

She opened to mouth and then closed it again.

"Yes."

"Okay."

She took a sip of coffee.

"It's weird, isn't it?"

"That you dragged me here for it or the job itself?" he joked.

She rolled her eyes again, but he could see her eye contract just like they did when she was repressing a smile.

"You want to quit?" she asked.

"I thought you fired me."  
>"I was upset."<p>

"Clearly."  
>She wasn't wearing the cross. Not that he had expected her to. He just acknowledged the fact.<p>

"Look, you don't get it…"

"No, I really don't" Puck interrupted her. "I don't understand anything. Why are you so afraid of them?"

Instantly, her face turned blank. Not an emotion was shown. Closed off.

"I'm not scared of anything."

"Why do they matter so much?"

"They're family."

Her voice was flat. She pushed the coffee away from her. He had lost her. The little piece of her that he gotten back, it was gone now.

"When do you need me to act like the wonderful boyfriend again?" he asked.

She glanced up at him through her eyelashes.

"We're going to visit my cousins for the weekend."

He should have snorted and walked away. He should have told her to dream on and that he actually had a _life. _But he didn't. He just nodded.

"Okay."

"Okay."

He walked her home. She didn't complain, but she was still closed off. By the gate, he squeezed her shoulder. He didn't know why. He just did it.

…

Quinn passed through the living room in haste, not wanting to be called to join some conversation. But the room was almost empty. In couch sat Katie and Joseph. He was reading something, probably one of her essays. He mouthed the words as he read. No one had ever read Quinn's essays. No one. Ever. She shook her head at herself. It wasn't like she wanted her grandfather to like her better than Katie. She didn't feel envy. She really didn't. But it was strange seeing him look at Katie like he once looked at Quinn. Before everything changed.

"Hi mom."  
>Judy Fabray sat the kitchen table, looking over some papers, maybe bills.<p>

"Hi dear."

Quinn took some coffee from the pot and sat down next to her mother. For some reason, she felt safe with her. Or at least safer than she did when anyone else in this house. Judy was an outsider. She wasn't tainted by blood, she was just tainted by marriage.

"He's coming with us" she said.

Judy looked up. Quinn got a sudden insight that she would probably look a lot like her mother when she was 42 and stressed out. Blue eyes, blonde hair, wrinkles that not even the most expensive creams and lotions could remove.

"Good."

"Where's dad?"

"He took your grandmother out for lunch."

Quinn nodded.

"Right."

She didn't know what else to say. She had once been close her mother. Closer than she had been to any of her other family members. They had gone shopping together and Judy had braided Quinn's hair every night. That bond broke when she let Quinn get kicked out. Nothing could ever be good after that. Or at least, good in the same way.

"We just have to survive for a week or so more" Judy said, covering Quinn's hand with hers. "Then they'll leave again."

Quinn nodded.

"Yeah."

…

"I'm going to visit her cousins" Puck yawned.

Santana giggled. They were playing poker. He was getting poor. She was getting drunk.

"You'll like them! The mom is a hippy. Never wears a bra!"

"What?"

Santana nodded vigorously.

"Yes!"

"Is that Quinn's dad's sister?"

Santana nodded again. Her eyes were becoming dim. Puck stole the bottle of vodka from her hands and took a gulp. It burned his throat.

"She's a disappointment" Santana whispered. "But she did marry the son of some business man, so she isn't disowned or anything."

"Jesus."

Santana stared at the cards on the table. Even when totally out of it, she was a better card player then he was.

"Can't you just tell me why her family is so fucked?" he wined

She grabbed his arm.

"I want to" she told him seriously. "But I can't."

"Just tell me, I won't tell anyone."

"It will explain a lot of things for you" Santana went on.

"Tell me" he begged, handing her the bottle again.

"I can't" she sighed. "I'm not supposed to know. No one is supposed to know."

"Is it a family secret?" he smiled.

She nodded again.

"Yes."

And suddenly she didn't sound drunk. And her eyes weren't dim anymore.

"You're scaring me" he whispered.

"Maybe you should be."

"Stop it."

She smiled an ironic smile.

"I don't know if I should tell you quit this stupid little thing you're doing with her or not."

"How come?"

Santana shrugged

"This is bigger than you might think."

…

Aunt Jody was the opposite from her brother. She was a kindergarten teacher, had five boys and had once grown her own pot in the backyard of the drafty house she owned with her husband, Doug. Doug was the son of someone rich (Quinn had never really cared enough to care) and was one the wealthiest men in the state. He was large and had no hair and a laugh that sounded a lot like a pigs. The boys were all between two and ten, which for Quinn meant that Jody and Doug had a happy marriage.

Quinn really liked her aunt Jody. She was laidback and greeted Puck with a hug when they first met. After picking up his nickname, she didn't call him Noah. She had made lasagna and all through dinner Jim Morrison was playing on the stereo. Quinn felt herself relax. Like really. She could eat. She could even talk. Puck sat next to her and babbled to one of the boys about XBOX. Doug didn't talk about business like her father and grandfather tended to. He asked Quinn about high school and actually seemed to care.

"He seems nice" Jody told her as they were loading dishes.

"Who?"

"The boyfriend."

Quinn glanced over her shoulder at the table. Puck had been equipped with a guitar and was playing Dylan songs.

"He is."

"Was he the father?"

Quinn went back to stacking dishes.

"Yes" she said shortly.

When would it be easy to speak about Beth? Never.

"Judy told me that you gave the baby up for adoption" Jody said carefully

Quinn nodded.

"Yes."

"But you two still stuck together."

Quinn stared into her aunt's eyes.

"I didn't want to bring my daughter into this family."

Jody took a deep breath and then nodded.

"Does he know?"

"No."

"And he still agreed on giving her up."

Quinn shrugged. She didn't want to think about these things right now.

"I should have helped you, but we didn't know about it until it was too late."

"I know."

Quinn swallowed.

"Maybe you should tell him" Jody suggested.

"You really think so?"

She shrugged.

"Have you told Doug?"

"Not all of it."

"Why not?"

Their eyes met.

"It's not the most pleasant thing."

"Right."

"When we met, I didn't want to him to look at me differently, so I didn't tell him. And now, after fifteen years, it's harder to just spring it on him."

Quinn nodded. She got it. She really did.

"I don't know if I trust him with this" she whispered, inclining her head against Puck.

Jody placed a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"You two have been through hell together" she said. "Doesn't that count for something?"

Quinn shook her head slowly.

"There's only so much hell a person can put up with."

…

They were to share a room. It wasn't that strange. This Jody person seemed a bit more relaxed than the others and sure, Puck and Quinn were supposed to be couple. The issue was the only bed. A double bed, but still not the widest. He caught Quinn looking at it.

"Let's not make a big deal out of this" he said.

She nodded.

"Okay."

"It isn't like we haven't slept together before" he continued, smirking.

She rolled her eyes.

"I'm surprised that your grandma didn't insist on you sleeping alone. I might rape you" Puck went on in his serious voice.

Quinn punched his shoulder. It didn't hurt.

"If you tried, I would sterilize you for life."

She undressed with her back to him. He would have thought that she would leave the room, but what was there really to hide? He had seen naked before. He had touched her everywhere. Actually, he had seen more of her than he did now. When she had been eight months pregnant, there had been plenty more of Quinn Fabray to see.

"Have you lost weight?" he joked.

She threw her shirt on his head. It smelled like her.

"I lost a baby" she said.

And there was humor in her voice and at the same time not.

"Me too" he whispered.

"And still, you seem to weigh the same amount."

He laughed.

…

"Are you awake?"

His voice was soft in the night. Quinn had been on the verge of sleep. Her eyelids were heavy.

"Not really" she whispered.

She felt warm. For the first time in weeks, she wasn't cold. She remembered this from when she used to share his bed; Puck was like a human radiator. It had annoyed her death when she herself had been boiling and hormonal, but these days, she didn't seem to have enough fuel to heat herself up.

"Can't you tell me what's going on?" he asked.

She turned around to face him. His face looked kind, no sharp edges or blunt lines. He looked like the boy who had held her hand through labor. The one who had run out in the middle of night to buy her ice cream. The one who helped her out with this shit, for no apparent reason.

"No one's supposed to know" she breathed.

"I'm no one."

She scowled. But inside, she smiled. He could never be serious. Not even for a minute.

"It doesn't matter anyway" she whispered. "They'll go home soon, grandmother and grandfather."

"Quinn, who calls their gran and granddad "grandmother" and "grandfather?"

She giggled.

"I don't remember what I used to call them."

"That's sad. Didn't they visit very often?"

She searched his face. His eyes looked sincere. Did he really care? Why would he care?

"They did, but then they stopped."

He nodded slowly, as if he understood, but clearly he didn't.

"And Katie?"

"And Katie what?"

Quinn heard her tone become icy.

"Why hasn't she come home until now?"

Quinn shrugged.

"She didn't want to deal with the mess I created. That _we _created."

Puck smiled.

"We really did cause some havoc" he smirked.

"I guess you can put it like that."

She felt his hand on her arm. It was hot and big and made her flinch. He didn't pull away.

"You can tell me, you know" he said.

"Can I?"

"Yes."

His hand slid down and grabbed hers. She closed her eyes.

"I need to get some water" she whispered.

…

Jody and Doug's house was big and old. The walls couldn't keep the cold out. Quinn's toes protested as she put them down on the freezing floor. She tiptoed down to the kitchen, filled a glass of water and drank. The cold was a big change for the warmth of Puck's skin. It cleared her head. She couldn't tell him. She could never tell anyone. Santana knew, but that had not been the plan and if her father found out, he would probably kill them both. It was the Fabray family secret. Nothing you just passed along to a boy that could make you feel better.

She went back up the stairs again. Every step squeaked. On the landing, she spotted a shadow. She stopped. A door opened, a person came out and then shut it behind itself. She froze. The person came towards her, going down the stairs. A fraction of a second before they should have collided, she stepped aside. The person jumped.

"Quinn!" her grandfather exclaimed.

Her feet were almost numb now. She needed to get back.

"Hi" she said, trying to keep her voice steady.

"What are you doing up?"

"Needed a drink of water."

Her grandfather nodded. He was wearing a pair of blue pajamas. She noticed, despite the cold, two beads of sweat on his forehead. She looked down again.

"I'm cold" she whispered and went passed him.

He grabbed her arm. She shook him off.

"Quinn" he said.

She turned.

"Sleep tight."

She nodded and went on. The door to hers and Puck's room was still open a crack. She slipped on. He looked like he was asleep. Just as well. She crawled down under the covers, as far from him as she can. Suddenly, she felt like crying.

"Hey, you must be freezing" he mumbled.

She hadn't realized her teeth were chattering.

"Not really" she lied.

He moved in close to her and pushed his skins against the soles of her feet, He draped his long arms over her tiny frame and rested his hands on her stomach. She swallowed. She should tell him to get off her. But she was cold and felt like sobbing and he was warm and made her feel safe, in his moment.

"Thanks."

"Anytime."


	4. i cannot get you out

New Years Eve was the coldest night in the Midwest since the 30's. Three fires were lit in the big house, but still Puck wore an extra sweater over his shirt. Thankfully, Doug and Jody appreciated a good party and therefore served alcohol to everyone over fifteen. Puck held his glass of whisky tight in his hand. Quinn sat on the armrest of his chair. She had a scarf wrapped around her neck and her lips were almost blue.

"Almost midnight" Doug announced.

Puck felt a bit drunk. Jody and Doug were much more liberal when it came to liquor, then Quinn's parents. Puck had downed a three beers and now nursed a glass of whisky. Quinn had only drunk wine. Maybe that was just as well, she was light weight, in every way.

"How about some fireworks?" on Quinn's cousins asked.

Puck didn't remember his name. Maybe it was Brian.

"Sure, son" Doug said, ruffling Brian's (?) hair. "Puckerman, wanna help me lit them?"

Puck nodded.

"Yeah."

He got up. Quinn sank down on the his spot. She looked cold and tired.

"Coming, Q?" he asked.

"Soon" she replied, smiling softly.

He nodded and left.

…

The sky was cloudy with smoke from the fireworks. Quinn's fingers were numb with cold. She couldn't move them. But it was almost midnight. Soon, she could go inside and drink coffee and fall asleep.

"Did I do well with fireworks?" Puck asked, nudging her.

She nudged him back.

"Must be very hard" she sighed. "Lighting a match, I mean."

"You have no idea."

She shook her head at him. 11:59

"Dougie!" Jody called. "Where is my husband?"

Doug appeared. His cheeks were red from the cold and the wine.

"Ten seconds left!"

They counted down. Quinn stared at the sky. She didn't say anything and didn't move as the clock struck twelve. Doug and Jody kissed right next to her. It was a youthful passionate kiss. The kind of kiss the hero and heroine share at the end of cheesy movie. Their boys gagged.

"Come on, everyone needs a new year's kiss!" Jody protested.

"Puck and Quinn didn't" the eldest boy said.

Quinn rolled her eyes. She longed for the warmth inside. The prickling sensation she felt in her feet couldn't be good. Could you get frost bite if you wore shoes?

"Puck and Quinn are shy" Doug chuckled and kissed his wife again.

"Everybody needs a New Years' kiss" Jody said.

Quinn met her grandmother's eye in the dark. She looked expectant and determined. As if this kiss would be proof if Puck and Quinn really was a couple. If Quinn refused, Claire would know that it all was fake. Or would she? Quinn couldn't risk it.

"Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" three of her cousins chimed.

She stood on tiptoe and kissed him. A light kiss with no tongue or groping. Just a kiss. Lips against lips. His were warm. As she stepped away from him, he held on to her hand. He buried her fingers inside his sleeves, against his own wrist. She couldn't understand how he could be burning hot, when she was freezing cold.

"Happy new year" he murmured close to her cheek.

"You too."

His lips touched her skin. She closed her eyes. When she opened them again, her grandmother had gone inside. Doug and Jody were still making out. The sky was full of light again, the fireworks had its revival.

"Wanna go in?" Puck asked, his voice unsteady.

She bit her lip.

"Let's just stay out a bit longer."

"You're cold."

"Am I? I don't feel it."

She leaned against him, resting her head on his shoulder. Maybe it was the wine she had been drinking or maybe it was the promise of the New Year. She felt free and light.

"That's probably a bad sign" Puck commented. "If you're numb, it's worse than feeling cold."

But he didn't move. And neither did she. They watched the fireworks until the sky went back to being black and smoky.

…

"Jody's a doll, isn't she?" Santana said.

Puck sat up in bed and yawned. He peered at the clock. 09:23. Quinn was still sleeping next to him. Her legs were entangled with his. Her hand was casually draped over his chest. They hadn't fallen asleep like that. Maybe she had been cold during the night. Maybe it was just a reflex.

"Why are you calling so fucking early?" he growled.

"To wish you Happy New Year."

"Fuck you."

"You sleepy?"

"Kind of."  
>Santana snickered.<p>

"So, how is it going?"  
>"Be more precise, please."<p>

"Your freaky job."

"It's going fine."

"And your quest to find out the Fabray family secret?"

"It's not a quest."

"Have she told you anything?"

Puck glanced over at Quinn. She had begun to stir.

"Can I call you back?"  
>"Why? Is she there?"<p>

"Yes."

"Didn't you just wake up?" Santana asked.

"Yes."

She giggled.

"Good for you."

"I didn't sleep with her."

"Why not?"

"I'll call you back."

He hung up. Quinn was awake. She looked like a tiny kitten, opening its eyes for the first time.

"Who was that?" she asked.

"Santana."

"Why did she call so freakishly early?"

"Search me."

She grunted something and pushed her face into the pillow.

…

"He's not really your boyfriend, is he?"

Quinn looked up from the book she was reading. Her sister sat on the couch, drinking coffee and looking at Quinn with a look so full of dislike that Quinn looked away.

"What are you on about?"  
>"Puckerman. It's some act, right?"<p>

"No."

"Really?"

"Yes."

Quinn stared into her book. The letters and words disappeared. All she saw was red. She tried to breath, not to overreact. To be calm and collected. It didn't work.

"Have you told him about…?"

She looked up again. Katie looked more serious now, but the rage was still hot inside Quinn. It wasn't normal to hate your sister like this.

"No."

"And you won't, right?"

Quinn hesitated for a fraction of second too long.

"No."

"You're thinking about telling him!" Katie exclaimed.

Her eyes turned black. Quinn clenched her teeth.

"Jody thought it might be a good idea."  
>"God, you're selfish, Quinn."<p>

Quinn blinked, but didn't reply. Instead, she again pretended to read.

"This isn't about you, you know" Katie went on. "It's about me. And Jody. And our _entire _family."

"He won't tell."

"How do you know?"

"I do."

Katie shook her head.

"I really_, really_ hate you."

She got up. Quinn watched her leave.

…

Katie stepped into the bathroom when was Puck was brushing his teeth. He jumped.

"Shit, did I forget to lock?

"No" she smiled. "I just picked it."

"You picked the lock?"

She nodded. He stared at her. She didn't leave. She just watched him. And he didn't like the glint in her eyes.

"You love my sister, right?"

"Yeah."

"You've been on her side through shit, right?"

"Where is this going?"

Katherine Fabray smiled again. It didn't reach her eyes. She looked evil or vindictive or both.

"You know my grandfather?"

"What's going on, Katie?"

"He molested me. And before me, he molested Jody. And guess who he went to when I became too old?"

Puck stared at her. She didn't smile anymore. She didn't move. He tried to find humor in her face. He tried to find something.

"_What?_"

…

Santana opened her door. Puck stepped around her and into the house.

"I thought you were still at Jody's?" Santana asked.

"I had to leave."

She frowned.

"Why?"

"I know."

He pulled his boots off. He threw his jacket onto the floor. He pulled a bottle of vodka from his bag.

"You know what?" Santana asked.

Her voice was a bit higher than usual. Puck marched to her room. She followed and closed the door behind them. He opened the bottle, took a large swig and held it out to her. She shook her head.

"How sick that family really is" he said, taking another large gulp.

Santana sat down on her bed.

"Quinn told you?" she asked.

He sat down next to her.

"No, Katie did."

"Fucking Katie."

She took the bottle from his hands and put it to her lips. He watched her. He felt dazed.

"How long have you known?" he asked.

"Since forever. Since I spent the night at Quinn's and woke up as he slid into the bed next to her."

Puck stole the bottle back. He needed to get drunk. Now.

"I didn't sign up for this" he choked. "I didn't sign up to deal with an incest pervert."

"I know."

He lay down on the bed. He'd taken the bus from Jody's. He hadn't even said goodbye.

"This is too fucking sick."

Santana lay down next to him.

"I know."

"What do you know?" he asked.

"Not much, really. Quinn has never talked to me about it."

"What did he do?"

"I don't know."

Puck suddenly felt sick. He got up and opened the window. The cool air helped.

"_Fucking hell_" he muttered.

Santana stood next to him. She placed a hand on his shoulder.

"She didn't sign up for this either, you know" she whispered

…

"He left" Katie said.

Quinn looked away.

"I told him" her sister went on. "And he left. He must really love you."

"You told him?"

Quinn slapped Katie's cheek, hard. White, hot rage raced inside her. Katie clutched her cheek.

"Payback, honey" she smiled devilishly.

"For what?" Quinn whimpered. "What have I ever done to you?"

Katie giggled. Quinn raised her hand to slap her again, but Katie stepped away.

"You make me sick, Quinn."

"I hate you."

"I know."

Quinn left the room. She opened the front door and stepped out into the cold. The snow was still deep. But she kept walking. She closed her eyes and walked. No shoes. No coat. But she felt nothing. Nothing but despair and hurt and something that could have been loss.

…

Puck's head ached. His mouth was dry. He needed to pee.

"What?" he groaned.

Santana was saying something. He wasn't awake enough to hear it.

"She's gone" she said.

"Who?"

"Quinn."

He groaned and sat up. Santana had her phone stuck to her ear. Her face was pale, her eyes big. She was scared. He felt a trickle of panic run up his spine. What did she mean that Quinn was _gone_.

"What's going on?" he asked.

Santana covered the phone with her hand and turned to him.

"Quinn left the house last night and she hasn't come back. She's not wearing shoes or a jacket. It's been below freezing all night."

Puck felt sick again. He had run to the bathroom and throw up. He stared at himself in the mirror. _I left her. I left her alone with them. How could I do that?_

"We're leaving" Santana called.

He washed his face with cold water and then followed her downstairs. She drove, he was too hung-over. They didn't listen to the radio. They didn't speak, but Puck blamed himself and he knew that Santana did too. At least partly. They had to stop twice so that he could throw up.

…

The big house was almost empty when they reached it. They were all outside looking for her. The only ones left were Claire and Katie. They sat by the fire, knitting and staring into the flames. Puck wanted to shake them, to scream and make them react. But he didn't. He had no right. This was all his fault after all.

"They're searching the woods" Claire said.

Her voice was neutral. Puck swallowed his anger. He grabbed Santana's arm and pulled her outside again. They followed the footsteps in the snow. Neither of them spoke. Puck wondered if Santana had ever been quiet this long before.

"What if she dies" he said.

"She won't."

He took her gloved hand. She might hate him right now, might blame him. But he needed her to hold him.

"She'll be okay" Santana whispered.

She squeezed his hand. He didn't have the courage to squeeze back.

"I hear something" she told him.

They stopped. Voices echoed through the trees. Men shouting, a woman crying. They were coming closer. Out of the thicket they came. First, Joseph Fabray, carrying a bundle of something. He was followed by Jody and her husband. Doug held a cell phone against his ear. Puck stormed towards them. He couldn't see Quinn's face. Her tangled hair was covering it.

"Oh my god" he heard Santana gasp.

"Give me her" Puck shouted at the old man.

Joseph stared at him.

"What?"

Puck didn't repeat his words. He was stronger and taller than the other man and easily took Quinn from him. He wouldn't let her grandfather touch her again. Ever.

"It's quicker if we drive her in ourselves" Doug called. "The ambulance might not get through the snow."

Puck looked up and met Joseph's eye. He wanted to spit in his face. He wanted to beat the living hell out of the old man. And maybe he would, but not now.

"Where's the car?" he shouted.

…

Her lips were cracked and icy blue. She had an IV with some fluid to warm her up. She was going to be okay, apparently. But she looked dead. The only indication that she was still alive was the heart monitor on the side of her bed. It kept beeping. Puck took that as a good sign.

"She needs her rest" the nurse said for the eighth time. "You should leave."

Santana was sleeping at Jody's house. He had never seen her that hysterical. Quinn's parents were signing some papers. The rest of clan had gone home, they would be back in the morning.

"No" he said.

"Look, she's unconscious. Frankly, she doesn't even know that you're here."

The nurse's name was Rhonda.

"I already left her once and she turned out frozen solid in fucking forest."

Rhonda winced at the foul word, but didn't reprimand him.

"You're not family…"

"She's the mother of my child, that must count for something."

Rhonda sighed. Puck knew he was making her job difficult. His mom was a nurse. He knew the kind of stress she was under. But he couldn't leave. He just couldn't.

"I'll watch over him" someone said.

Puck turned. It was Claire. She was wearing a big fur coat and white, leather gloves. She reminded him of the White Witch from Narnia.

"And you are?" Rhonda asked exasperated.

"Her grandmother."

Apparently, the nurse had better things to do, so she just nodded and left the room. Puck wished that she had stayed. Claire scared him.

"We missed you last night."

"I had to leave."

She sat down on the chair next to his, but kept the coat on.

"Katie told you about our _situation_, I presume."

"If that's what you want to call it."

Puck watched Quinn. Her hands were limp. She looked helpless. How much shit had she had to go through in her life?

"How long have you known?" he asked.

"A while."

"How can you still love him?"

Claire snorted.

"_Love_? You think I love him?"

"You're married to him!"

Claire laughed the coldest laugh he had ever heard.

"We own a business, _Noah_. We're a good team. Joseph talks and signs the papers and I tell him what to do. Thanks to that, we have been able to give both our children good educations and my son a job. And when we die, it will give our grandchildren plenty to invest for the future."

"You're married to him for money?"

Claire patted his cheek. The leather of her glove was seamless but still seemed to scratch him.

"You're just boy, aren't you? You wouldn't understand."

"No, I don't. If my wife molested my child and my grandparents, I wouldn't care about money. I would report her to the police and move away."

He felt his pulse quicken.

"I did what I had to do. When I found out, I made Joseph's job more permanent on the east coasts. He couldn't just hop on a plane and visit in Ohio anymore. I made Russell take his family to Paris for Christmas so that we wouldn't have to meet. I supported Jody's choice to buy that drafty house because it would always be a good excuse for them to stay home. I saved my family."

"And what about Quinn? And Jody? And Katie? Who took care of them?"

Claire sighed.

"This isn't _Dr Phil_, Noah. People heal themselves."

He shook his head.

"Leave" he said. "Please, leave."

"Why should I?"

"Because I'm never going to let anything bad happen to her, ever again."

"And I'm bad?"

"Your whole family is fucked."

She got up.

"I thought you were just acting" she said coldly. "That you were part of Quinn's plan to get back in our good books."

"I don't care what you think."

"But you really love her, don't you?"

He finally met her eyes.

"Yes."

"That's good" Claire nodded. "She needs someone who loves her."


	5. it's empty in the valley of your heart

Quinn woke up in the middle of the night and Puck was forced out of the room. He sat down on the floor outside the door and fell asleep. It wasn't until Santana wrapped a blanket around him the next morning that he woke up. His back ached.

"Hey" she said, flattening his hair.

She looked like a mess. She was wearing someone else's clothes and her hair hadn't been washed. Her makeup was gone and she smelled rather bad. He loved her like this. He loved her when she looked younger, like the one he trusted, like his best friend.

"She woke up" he said.

"I know."

She sat down next to him and leaned against the wall.

"Who walks into to snow without shoes?" he whispered.

Santana grabbed his hand and squeezed.

"Someone who has nothing else to lose."

He closed his eyes. Guilt flooded through his veins. He should never have left her.

"_Fuck_" he exhaled.

"This isn't your fault."

"Yes, it is."

"You didn't molest her. You didn't throw her out when she was sixteen and pregnant and scared."

"I left her. I pushed her off the ledge."

Santana kissed his cheek. Her lips were soft against his skin.

"Please, don't blame yourself."

"You blame me."

His tone was flat. He knew he was being harsh, but he also knew that Santana could handle it.

"I was scared, Puck. I didn't know what to think."

He nodded. God, he was tired. He wanted to sleep until the end of time.

"I didn't think she cared about me" he breathed.

"Of course she does."

"I didn't sign up for this."

"I know you didn't."

"She's package" he whispered. "She's broken down into tiny pieces and I'm not sure I'm the right person to put her back together."

Santana stood up and extended her hand to him. He grabbed it and she pulled him to his feet.

"If I know Quinn well enough, she won't let you try."

…

His face was hovering over hers. She closed her eyes. She wasn't ready to deal. No. She wasn't ready.

"Quinn" he said.

His voice was soft, but she didn't open her eyes. She wasn't ready.

"Quinn" he repeated.

"I'm tired" she whispered quietly.

"I know."

She opened her eyes. He looked dirty and tired. He should go home and shower. She didn't need him here.

"I'm sorry…" he began, but she cut him off.

"Don't say anything."

"But, Quinn…"

"Please don't."

She met his gaze. His eyes were full of pity. She couldn't stand it. She couldn't stand to see the pity in his eyes. He knew. And he had left her.

"Can you just go?"

"No."

Quinn turned to face Santana. For once, she wanted Santana to pick her over Puck. Even if she had been lousy friend at times, now Quinn needed Santana to pick her side.

"Puck, she's tired."

"Quinn, can we just talk?" he asked, acting like hadn't heard her.

Quinn shook her head. She felt like she might break at any moment.

"Leave me alone."

"Come on…"

"No, please go."

She closed her eyes again. She heard Santana murmur something and when she opened her eyes again, they were both gone.

…

When she woke up hours later, Katie sat on the chair next to her bed. She wore one of Quinn's t-shirts, it was too small and showed a bit of her stomach. The sight of Katie's white flesh made Quinn feel sick. She turned away.

"They say you could have died" Katie said, her tone flat.

"Go away."

"They're so worried about, about their little Quinny. I guess you got what you wanted in the end, they care about you again."

"Katie…"

"I get molested by my own grandfather for _years _and no one even bats an eye. But, you, you have make a big deal of everything, don't you?"

"Katie, you were the one who told Puck" Quinn whispered.

She was aching all over. Maybe it was hypothermia. Maybe it was the hatred that Katie was radiating.

"I'm leaving" she said. "Tonight. I'm going back to school."

"Fine."

Quinn turned to face her sister one last time. Katie had tears in her eyes, angry tears. Quinn knew she wasn't being fair. Katie had had fucking horrible childhood. They shouldn't hate each other. They should cherish their sisterhood. But it was impossible. Something had broken between them ages ago. Maybe when Quinn had gotten away. maybe when Katie hadn't come her rescue during the pregnancy.

"Bye, sis" Katie said quietly.

Quinn watched her leave. When the door closed, she curled up under the sheets and cried until she couldn't breathe.

…

Puck caught Katie's arm. She was carrying her bag, ready to leave.

"We need to talk" he said seriously.

She smiled sarcastically.

"No, I need to leave."

"Please, Katie. You have to tell me what happened."

She shook herself free.

"Why?"

"Because that's the only way I can help her."

"Quinn?"

"Yes."

Katie snorted.

"She's always the one who gets saved, isn't she?"

Her tone was heavy with irony and pain. Puck caught her arm again.

"I want to help you too, Katie, but you won't let me. What do want me to do? You don't like you, so I can't comfort you."

Katherine Fabray sighed.

"I just want to leave" she whispered.

"I'll drive to bus station" someone said.

It was Jody. She looked determined, her face set and hands clamped together.

"Thanks."

"But first, we tell Noah the whole story."

The two women exchanged a look.

"Okay" Katie sighed. "Okay."

She dropped her bag onto the floor. Suddenly, for the first time, Puck felt sorry for her. This wasn't her fault either. She was just a girl who was caught in the same mess as her sister.

"I wanna hear it too" Santana said from the staircase.

Katie's eyes contracted, but she didn't say anything.

"I'll make some tea" Jody said.

Puck nodded.

…

"I guess I was six or seven when it started" Jody began. "Mom always did paper work in the evenings so he tucked me in. In the beginning, he only kissed me and covered me with the comforter and watched me sleep. Then he wanted to sleep next to me. And when he wanted to touch me."

Puck looked down into his tea. He was just a boy. He didn't have the life experience to deal with this. But he was in this too now, or maybe he always been.

"What did he do, exactly?" Santana asked.

"He touched me, without clothes, everywhere. And he made me touch him."

"How often?"

"Almost every night."

Jody swallowed, trying to keep it together.

"Afterwards, he would always tell me that he loved me, that I was his little girl. And that it was our little secret."

"He's sick" Santana murmured under her breath.

"I know" Jody smiled sadly. "The funny thing is that I knew it was wrong, even then, even when I was little kid. I know it was bad and I was ashamed of it."

"Why did it stop?" Puck asked.

"I got too old, I presume. Wasn't an object of his fantasies anymore."

"How old were you?"

"Thirteen, I think."

No one said anything. The clock ticked, the fire crackled.

"Where is he now?" he asked.

"At the hospital, with the rest of them" Katie replied. "They arrived when I left."

Puck took a deep breath.

"What about you, Katie?"

She gave him a long look filled with so many meanings that it confused Puck.

"The same things that he did to Jody, he did to me" she said flatly.

He searched her face, trying to find some resemblance to Quinn, but found nothing. Even though he could see that they had the same chin and hairline, something about Katie was so different from her sister that those features didn't matter.

"How often did he come here?"

"Often" Katie smiled sarcastically. "He had an office in Lima."

"And your parents never suspected anything?"

Katie smiled again.

"We're the Fabrays. There's nothing we do better than denial."

Puck nodded. She was right.

"And Quinn?"

"He got tired of me when I was twelve" Katie said, still in the same flat voice. "Quinn was nine then."

"But it stopped soon after that" Jody interjected. "Mom found out."

"How?"

"I don't know."

"And she made him stay on the East Coast" Puck said.

"Yes, so Quinn was saved. All she got was some petting and strokes" Katie smirked.

"And that's why you hate her so much" Santana said. "Because she got away."

"You're a bitch, Lopez. Always have been."

"Stop it" Jody sighed.

She turned to Puck.

"I don't know what he did to her, but yes, it did stop."

He nodded. The tea was cold in his hands. He put it down on the coffee table.

"Why didn't anyone say anything?" he asked.

"It's not something you're proud of" Jody said.

"You should turn him in to the police."

"It's too late now."

"Is it?"

At that moment, the door opened. Claire, Joseph, Judy and Russell came in from the cold. Puck looked away. He was disgusted with all of them.

…

He went to the hospital the next morning. Quinn was watching TV.

"Go away" she whispered.

"No."

He sat on the edge of her bed. She looked away. She was pale and thin. He was afraid that she might break if he touched her.

"Don't look at me."

"Why not?"

"Because you look at me differently."

"No, I don't."

She rolled over and faced him. He felt a tug at his heart. She was so beautiful it pained him.

"You pity me" she hissed.

"No, I don't."

"The deal is off, I'll pay you when I get out of here."

"This isn't about the deal, Quinn."

He touched her hand, she pulled it away, as if his touched burned her.

"What else is there?" she asked. "Except this deal?"

"Everything."

He took her hand and this time, she let him hold it.

"I spoke to Jody and Katie…"

She turned away.

"I didn't force you to do this" she whispered. "I didn't force you act like you loved me. You could have said no."

"No, Quinn. I couldn't."

She opened her mouth the protest, but he held up his hand. She closed her mouth again.

"The thing is Quinn, I can never say no to you. Not now, not ever."

"Of course you can."

"No. I wanted to keep Beth so badly, so badly that I hated you for a year for taking her from me. But when you asked me in the hospital, I let you decide. Then you asked me if I loved you. And I wanted to say no badly. But I couldn't."

"Puck…"

"And now you're here, with hypothermic injuries that the doctor's say have to heal themselves. And I left you. And I can never make that up to you, ever. But I want to try, I want to try and fix you."

She almost smiled.

"Why?"

"Because I still love you."

She stared at him, her eyes big with shock and fear. He felt nothing. He just watched her and waited for her reply.

"No, you don't."

"Yes, I do."

"This was just deal" she whispered. "A job for you."

"No, Quinn, it wasn't."

She turned away.

"It was, for me."

He took a deep breath.

"How can you say that?"

"I don't love you. I don't need you. Please, leave me alone."

…

Two days later, Puck found an envelope on the mail box. It contained about 200 dollars and cross necklace. He stored it all with this socks and underwear. He was never using that money. And he was never going to touch that necklace ever again.

When he was done, he called Santana. An hour later, she came over with poker cards and a bottle of Merlot that she had stolen from her parents stash.


	6. come on, skinny love

Puck watched Santana get dressed. She wore very tight, very shot red dress. Her hair was out and her lips blood red.

"You really think that's the right attire for a church party?" he asked, smirking at her.

"Probably not" she said, applying eyeliner with a steady hand.

"If you wanna get laid, you don't have to try so hard. I'm right here."

She rolled her eyes at him,

"Jerk."

It had been a month since New Year's Eve. Quinn had been let out of the hospital, but he hadn't spoken to her. Santana told him it was for the best, that Quinn was cold and distant anyway. And he wouldn't admit it, but her dismissal of his affection had hurt him.

"Why are you even going to this thing?" he asked.

"Because there will be free wine and cute, naïve church boys."

"It's Quinn's dad's birthday."

"Yeah, so? He's kind of an alcoholic, isn't he? _A lot _of free wine, then."

He nodded. They were good at playing pretend. He knew that he only reason Santana was going to Russell Fabray's 50th birthday party at the local church (there wasn't a bigger venue in Lima), was to keep an eye on Quinn. He knew it, even if she didn't tell him. They didn't talk about Quinn anymore.

"You can come, you know" she said. "You can be my plus one."

"Nah, I'll just go home."

"Claire and Joseph Fabray are coming."

She said with ease, as if it meant nothing, but Puck froze.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"It's their son's birthday."

"Right."

He watched Santana again. She looked like a very expensive prostitute.

"A lot of naïve, church boys, you say?"

She smirked.

"Tons."

"Well, count me in."

…

Quinn zipped up her dress and looked at herself in the mirror. Her skin had mostly healed from the frost bite. She had big bruise-like thing on her chest, but the dress covered that up nicely. She brushed out her hair and braided her bangs. There, the perfect Quinn Fabray was staring back at her. No one could guess what was underneath the surface, which was nothing. Nothing. She felt empty. She didn't feel fear that her grandfather was coming, she just felt numb. Like she was watching everything from outside, like her life was a movie. But from the outside, she looked just like any beautiful girl. Right?"

…

It wasn't just anyone who could rent the church a Saturday night, but if your name was Fabray and you had helped pay for the new annex, you had pull. And it was a beautiful place for a party. It was dark outside, but candles flickered high up in the ceiling. The church benches had been pushed to side and instead long tables covered the floor. The people of Lima (or at least the ones who had been lucky enough to score an invite) wore their best dresses, the ones they had saved from proms and weddings. Someone was playing piano in the corner.

"Ah, Quinny, darling" her father called out.

He had his second glass of wine clamped in his hand as he kissed her cheek. He was talking to the mayor and his wife. Quinn smiled.

"Hi" she said.

"Oh, Quinn. Such a beautiful dress" Mrs. Mayor smiled.

Quinn thanked her and then excused herself. She sat down on her seat by the table, between Katie and her mother. She grabbed the wine bottle and poured herself a full glass. Everything was going to be fine.

"Fill mine up" Katie muttered and sat down next to her.

Quinn filled Katie's glass too. She wondered what card her dad had played to get Katie to come this time. She wore her old prom dress even though Judy had begged to buy her new one. Maybe it was her kind of rebellion.

"How's life?" Katie asked in a flat voice.

"Super."

"Mine too."

"Good to hear."

They both fell silent and sipped their wine. Quinn breathed. It was going to be okay. She could get drunk and smile and soon it would all be over. Just then, Santana entered the church. And Puck was holding her arm.

…

Puck and Santana paused just inside the oak double doors. Santana tried to pull her dress a few inches below her crouch. Puck met the eyes of Russell Fabray and wanted to run home.

"Not a lot of church boys here" he remarked.

She squeezed his arm and they took a few more steps. It had been a long time since Puck had been to a church. The last time had been at Mr. Shuesters wedding.

"Oh, the bar" Santana whispered happily and dragged towards the opposite wall.

"They have a bar in the church?" he asked under his breath.

She wasn't listening. She had found the only boy, except Puck , under 50 in the room, the bartender. Her dress was just low cut enough to score them each a gin and tonic without getting carded.

"Good to know you're useful for something" he told her.

She rolled her eyes.

"Quinn's at the table" she hissed.

He spotted her. She sat next to her sister, angled away from her, drinking wine and looking miserable.

"Let's say hi" Santana suggested.

"You go" Puck sighed. "I'll try to flirt another drink out of that guy."

"Come on."

"I don't think it's a good idea, San."

"Then why did you come?"

She stared at him and he stared back. The time of pretending was over.

"Maybe it was bad idea."

"Maybe."

He took a deep breath.

"Is this on?" Judy Fabray's voice broke the silence. "Is the mic on?"

She stood on the altar, hollering into a huge microphone.

"Thank you everyone for coming to my darling husband's birthday party."

Everyone applauded.

"And now, let's be seated and eat!"

Puck exhaled silently.

"I hope it's steak" Santana whispered.

They found their seats and sat down. Quinn was on the opposite end of the table.

…

"Maybe you should slow down with the drinks" Quinn hissed in her sister's ear.

Katie ignored her. She pointedly downed another glass of wine as some business partner to their father ended his speech. Quinn rolled her eyes and stared down at her untouched plate. Fifteen speeches and two courses to go.

"Hello everyone. I'm Joseph Fabray, I'm honored to say that I'm Russell's father."

Quinn watched her grandfather stand up and smile as everyone applauded. Except herself and Katie.

"Russell is many things. He is a sly business man, a good Christian and a superb football player" he began. "But most of all, he is a father."

People awed and applauded and Quinn forced a smile on her face.

"Katherine and Quinn are the apples of my son's eye and that is, beyond all other things, what I am most proud of. That I raised my son to be a wonderful father. A role model for my grandchildren to look up to, someone who that they can always come to for support."

Quinn's smile was being to look fake. She couldn't meet anyone's eyes. Katie wasn't even trying. She was drinking wine and looking drunk as hell.

"So, let's raise our glasses to Russell Joseph Fabray, husband and father."

They all raised their glasses and drank. Quinn did too. She nudged Katie to the same, but she wouldn't.

"Thanks dad!" Russell yelled drunkenly.

Quinn closed her eyes. Three courses and fourteen speeches left.

…

"I think it's my turn" Katie announced and stood up.

Heads turned, Quinn tried to pull her down.

"Katie, you're wasted" she hissed.

Katie ignored her.

"I'm Katherine Fabray, Russell's daughter. Don't feel bad if you don't recognize me. I haven't been around for while."

Quinn buried her head in her hands. This could never end well.

"Katie, honey, it's not your time to speak" Judy tried, but Katie ignored her.

"I've been avoiding this place for the past years. Well, no, I have nothing against Lima, except it's a miserable excuse for a town, but I've avoiding my darling family."

Hushed voices whispered around the table. Quinn made another attempt to drag her sister down onto her chair.

"We're town royalty, aren't we? Daddy gets to have his party in the _church_. Mom is head of the committee of something totally irrelevant. And Quinny's a shoe in for Prom Queen this year. Isn't that so?"

"Katherine…" Judy began again.

"If you all only knew us. The real Fabray's. What we're really like."

Quinn met Santana's eye from the opposite side of the table. She looked tense.

"My dad cheated on my mom, did you know that? With _that_ woman" Katie pointed her father's former flame who choked on the tiramisu.

"My sister got knocked up at sixteen."

Quinn closed her eyes and tried to breath.

"And my grandfather, the one who just told what a good job he had done raising our father, he molested me."

"That's enough, Katie."

Russell grabbed her behind and dragged from the table. She giggled.

"Thank you _so _much for coming tonight" she called.

The silence that fell was so heavy that Quinn had to get air.

…

Puck found her in the graveyard, sitting on bench and smoking. He had never seen her smoke before.

"Needed a new bad habit?" he asked.

She put the cigarette out.

"No, I just needed something to do with my hands. I stole it from someone's coat."

"That was intense."

"You mean Katie's confession."

"Yeah."

Her cheeks were pale and her eyes distant.

"I don't feel anything" she whispered.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm not ashamed, not humiliated, not angry. I feel nothing."

"Maybe it's because you've been drinking too much."

"It's been going on for days. I just feel empty."

He watched her intensely for a few seconds.

"I'm sorry I left you, Q."

"I know."

Her tone was flat and she didn't look at him.

"I would have left too, if I could" she went on. "But I'm stuck in this."

"Don't you get it? So I am."

"No, you're not."

She stood up, he grabbed one of her arms.

"I wish I could stop caring about you, but I can't."

"Try harder" she whispered.

…

"I finally got my revenge" Katie slurred.

Quinn didn't say anything. She had found her sister in one of spare rooms and locked the door behind her.

"Aren't you pissed that I ruined your image, _Quinny_?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I don't care."

Katie smiled a drunken smile.

"Rising above?"  
>"No, I just don't give a shit."<p>

They could hear music from outside. The party was still going on. Quinn wondered how much of Katie's outburst that could be excused by the wine.

"I really, really hate you" Katie whispered.

"I know."

"You stand for everything I hate. This family, the strive for perfection, the denial, the attention seeking."

"You've made your point."

"Oh, don't try to act like the martyr, Q. You hate me too."

"Not anymore."

Katie snorted.

"Why not?"

"I don't feel anything anymore."

…

"Sometimes depression manifests itself as a deep and lasting sadness, but it is just as common for depressed people to feel 'numb'. Depression sometimes feels like the absence of emotions. Life has no joy, or no deep sadness. It is difficult to get angry about something or excited about something."

Puck read from the pamphlet he had stolen from Ms. Pillsbury's office. Santana was painting her nails.

"Okay" she said.

"She told me that she felt numb."

"Maybe she was drunk."

"She said it had been going on for a long time."

Santana exhaled and stared at her newly red colored nails.

"What do you want to do?" she asked.

"She needs help."

"She'll refuse."

"Then we'll make her."

"How?"

He shrugged.

"I don't know."

Santana bit her lip.

"Puck…"

"I just feel like this is our shot to help her. She went out the in the snow, without shoes, Santana. That's not sane."

"No, it's not."

They exchanged a look.

"Remember when all we fought about was XBOX?" she smiled.

He rubbed his eyes.

"Vaguely."

…

Santana was still sweaty from practice as she opened door to Quinn's car. Quinn examined the cheerleading uniform and couldn't believe that she once had found pride in wearing one.

"Hey, thanks for waiting" Santana panted. "Sue's on a fast and going nuts."

"Sure."

Quinn was about to the turn the key and start the engine when Santana placed her hand on hers.

"Can we talk?"

"Fine."

Santana turned the radio off. Quinn looked out of the windshield. It was getting warmer, the snow had almost melted away.

"We're… I'm worried about you, Q."

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not."

"Katie was the one who got drunk and ranted."

"Katie might need help too."

Quinn rolled her eyes. She wanted to go home and curl up under the covers and sleep.

"I just need to finish school and get out of here."

"No, that's how I feel and probably Rachel and Kurt too. But you, you won't be fine just because you move out of Lima."

"What do you know? Are you a shrink now?"

Quinn averted her eyes. She watched her fingers. They looked small and skinny next to Santana's long and tan.

"Don't give me shit because I care about you" Santana snapped.

Quinn leaned back against the seat.

"Don't care then."

"Of course I care! I'm your fucking best, and right now, only friend. Because you dried my fucking tears when I came out and bitched at the bullies. I have your back, because you had mine."

Quinn took a deep breath.

"I can take care of myself."

Santana shook her head.

"Yeah, clearly."

Quinn started the car and drove home.

…

Quinn met her grandfather in the hallway. She stared him in the face, wanted to feel something, anything. Hatred or fear or something. But she didn't.

"How was school?" he asked.

"Fine."

"Did anyone give you a hard time because of Katie's little outburst?"

"No."

No one had. Some people had giggled a bit behind her back, but she was used to that by now. It didn't bother her. Nothing did, really.

"I don't understand why she would say such things…"

"It was true, all of it, though" Quinn whispered.

Joseph's eyes expanded and then shrunk to slits.

"What do you mean?"

She shrugged and tried to pass him. He grabbed her shoulders.

"She lied, all of it was lies!"

She closed her eyes.

"No."

"Don't you dare tell people about those things, about those lies!"

At that moment, Russell stepped out into the hallway.

"Dad, what are you doing?" he asked.

Joseph let go of Quinn.

"She's deranged. She thinks what Katie said was true."

"Come on, dear. You know Katherine was just drunk."

Quinn met her father's eyes. He looked away.

"I had a baby, that's true. You cheated on mom, that's true. So, it can't all be lies, right?"

Russell didn't flinch, but she could tell her words had upset him.

"I'm tired" she said and went passed them, up the stairs.

…

Puck waited outside the church on Sunday. He watched Lima's Christian crowd leave the church, wearing their best clothes and holding each other's arms. He saw Judy Fabray exit the building, speaking to Brittany's mom. He saw Russell walking out with both his parents. But no Quinn. Puck waited until the minister walked past him to his car. The church was dark and empty. Quinn hadn't gone to the service. Quinn Fabray, the girl with the cross around her neck and painting of Jesus above her bed. It wasn't as terrible as walking into the snow without shoes, but for some reason, this scared Puck even more.

…

He had to track her down in school instead. He had refrained from doing so because it would so easy for some freshman to hear something and spread a rumor. But he really didn't have a choice.

"Quinn" he said quietly.

She jumped. He sat down next to her on the bleachers.

"Hi" she said.

She wasn't wearing any makeup. Her hair looked tangled and unwashed.

"Can we talk?"

"Do I have a choice?"

He shrugged.

"It was here you asked me to pretend to be your boyfriend."

"Was it?"

She looked out onto the field. The soccer team was doing laps.

"How do you feel?" he asked.

"Nothing. I feel nothing."

"That's not normal, Quinn."

"Maybe not."

He took her hand and covered it in his.

"Doesn't this make you feel anything?"

"No."

He cradled her face and kissed her forehead.

"No" she repeated.

He leaned his head against her.

"You need help, Q."

She didn't reply. Instead, she pressed her lips against his.

"What are you doing?" he whispered.

"Trying to feel."

She took his hand and dragged him inside. Against the lockers, in the empty corridor, she kissed him again. And he kissed her back. Because he loved her too much to stop. He kissed her neck and throat and she whispered something under her breathe that he didn't hear. She unbuttoned his shirt and he wanted her so bad that he forgot that they were in a corridor. He pulled off her top. She looked even skinnier than before. He examined her carefully as she kissed him. And then he saw it. It looked like a blister or a bruise on her chest. He knew it was from the hypothermia, some kind of frost bite.

"Stop" he said.

She didn't. She kept kissing him and a big part of him wanted to kiss her back. Because this might be only chance he would ever get to have her.

"Stop" he repeated, louder this time.

He stepped away from her.

"What?"

"This isn't right."

"I just want to feel" she begged.

He handed her the top.

"You need help."

And then he walked away, because if he had stayed longer, he might have undressed her again.


	7. i am here, are you?

Quinn didn't go to school the next day. She wasn't ill, she just woke up and decided she wasn't going. She closed her eyes and kept on sleeping until her mother came home from her committee meeting at 4 PM and found her in bed.

"Do you have a fever?" Judy asked, feeling her daughter's forehead.

Quinn didn't say anything. She let her mother worry and make her tea and feed her aspirin because she knew it made Judy feel better. Like you could cure anything with a bit of hot water and Tylenol.

"Maybe we should go to the hospital."

"No" Quinn whispered. "I just need to sleep."

She shut her eyes and felt Judy leave her bed side. Quinn couldn't understand why she was so tired all the time. She could never sleep enough.

"Sleep tight, honey" her mother whispered.

Quinn didn't reply, she was already asleep.

Russell woke up her again at 9 PM. Her grandparents were flying home, it was time to say good-bye. The house felt cold after sleeping under the covers all day so Quinn wrapped herself in a blanket and went downstairs. Her grandmother kissed her cheek.

"You're cold as ice" she remarked sharply.

"Maybe the heater is broken" Judy suggested.

Quinn didn't say anything. She inhaled her grandmother's smell, lilac and peppermint.

"Bye" she said.

She moved to her grandfather. Joseph Fabray didn't meet her eyes. It was the first time that he had ever showed shame or remorse. Too bad Katie wasn't here, she would have loved it.

"Bye" she repeated.

He bent down to kiss her cheek too, She stepped away. He looked lost for a second before collecting himself.

"Bye then, Quinny, get well."

"Alright."

The door closed behind them. Russell began talking about manners, but Quinn ignored him. She went back upstairs, lay down in her now cold bed and slept for another 18 hours.

…

"Her mom says she's ill" Santana said.

"Her mother is in denial."

"You don't need to tell me."

Puck knew that Santana was in a hurry. Brittany was waiting the car, ready to drive them out on a date. He knew that, but he had no one else to talk about Quinn with.

"Maybe it's good for her" Santana suggested and glanced towards Brittany's Toyota.

Puck sighed.

"Yeah, maybe. Look, you have fun at your date."

"I will. And Puck, you should do something fun too. You can't keep worrying 24/7."

He smiled at her.

"What do you suggest?"

"Ask Finn or something. I'll enjoy myself more if I know that you're not at home, obsessing over Quinn."

He shook her head at her.

"Oh, Santana. You're such a saint!"

She punched his arm.

"Fuck you" she muttered.

He pulled her close and placed a wet kiss on her forehead.

"What was that for?" she asked, wiping his spit of her skin.

He smiled.

"Nothing."

She rolled her eyes and left for Brittany's car. He watched her go. He could call Finn or Sam or someone else. He could, but he knew that he would be bad company. All he would do was worry and think about her. So instead, he went home and played XBOX really, really badly.

…

"Are you sure that you'll be alright?" Judy asked for the fiftieth time.

Quinn nodded. Her mother looked lovely. She had curled her hair and wore red lipstick and formfitting red dress. She smelled like Chanel and seemed effortlessly happy.

"Of course she will" Russell smiled. "She just has a cold, right Quinny?"

She nodded again. They were going to some company event in Cleveland and wouldn't be back until late Sunday evening. Quinn knew how much her mother had looked forward to this, to dressing up and dancing and drinking fancy wine. It was vain and stupid, but who could understand that better than Quinn?

"I left money for food on the counter. You can have some friends over, if you like, but not too many. Focus on getting well."

"Okay."

They left her room, went down the stairs and out the door. She closed her eyes. She was so tired, but she couldn't sleep anymore. Her mind was alert, but her body heavy. Her parents would be home in 30 hours. She sighed and got out of bed. Her head spun and she realized she hadn't eaten anything in days. But instead of heading for the fridge, she went into her parents' bathroom. Behind the skin crèmes and makeup-kits, she found a little orange box. It was prescribed to Judith Fabray and contained sleeping pills. Quinn shook out two and placed them on her tongue. She swallowed and then went back to bed.

…

He called her twice on Saturday night. He didn't have reason for it, not really, but he needed to hear her voice, to see if she was fine. She didn't pick up. He tried not to care. He had rejected her, of course he wasn't her favorite person. He texted her, saying that he was sorry, but she didn't reply to that either. He considered going over to her house, but he didn't want to face the Fabray's. Instead, he called Santana.

"I'm busy" she growled.

Puck heard giggles in the background.

"Quinn's not answering her phone."

"God, stop worrying. Drink some booze and watch some porn."

She hung up on him. He watched his phone and tried calling Quinn again. She still didn't pick up.

…

Quinn woke up in the middle of night, feeling her heart pound rapidly inside her chest. She felt like she had dreamt a nightmare, but she couldn't remember anything. The room was dark. Her heart kept beating hard. She got up and went back to the bathroom. She picked up another sleeping pill and swallowed it. Then, she looked at herself in the mirror. She was pale, freakishly pale, and thin. That gave her some satisfaction. Maybe all those baby pounds would finally go away. But she also had dark circles and red eyes.

"I look like a ghost" she whispered to herself.

Suddenly, she felt sick. She sat down on the cold, stone floor. The floor swayed under her, she tried to hold on the walls, but it wouldn't stop.

"I'm dreaming" she whispered. "I need to wake up."

She tried to pinch herself, but literally felt nothing. It was like her skin was numb against her own touch. She slammed her head against the wall, but again, she felt nothing.

"_I'm dying_."

…

Puck drove past her house the next morning. He hadn't slept much. The lights were all out in the house. Only two cars were in the drive way, Quinn's and Judy's. Snow had fallen during the night, but there were no tracks in it. No one had left the house that morning.

"Fuck it" he muttered.

He needed to calm himself. She could get pissed at him, but he needed to see if she was okay. He parked on the empty spot on the drive way and went up to the house. He rang the door bell, once, twice, three times. No reply. He knocked. He called her. Nothing. Finally, he tried the handle, the door was unlocked. He hesitated for a few seconds before stepping inside.

The house was cold and dark and empty. He called out, but no one answered. Dread filled his gut.

"Quinn?" he tried.

He made himself though the bottom floor, the kitchen was empty, but he found a note _Here's 40 dollars, we'll be back late on Sunday! _

"Quinn?" he called out.

He ran up the stairs, her bedroom was empty. Had she left the house? Was she wandering around again? Then, he heard low sobs from the bathroom. He opened the door and immediately felt like had been slapped in the face. Quinn was leaned against the wall, the shower was running and creating a small flood. And the water was faintly red.

"Quinn?"

He fell onto his knees next to her. The water was ice cold.

"I think we ran out of hot water" she whispered, her lips blue. "I was so cold."

He tried to find her wound, where the blood was coming from. He found on her arm, a long cut, not that deep, but enough to not be an accident.

"What did you do?" he breathed.

"I just needed to feel."

Puck closed her eyes to collect strength. Then he lifted her up, she was soaked and pale as chalk.

"Just get me to my bed" she begged. "I just need to sleep."

He took her to the car, she didn't complain, she had fainted.

…

The hospital in Lima wasn't a big one and within an hour, his mother had found him. She wore her green scrubs and a worried expression.

"Tammy told me that you were here. Are you okay?"

Puck could have said something about patient-doctor confidentiality and Tammy's lack of it, but he was too tired.

"I'm fine."

He was drenched in bloody water, but otherwise, healthy.

"Are you bleeding?"

"No."

He was never this rude to his mother, but every word seemed to pain him.

"It's Quinn."

...

He watched his mother stitch up Quinn's arm. The cut wasn't deep, just like he had expected, but apparently she had lost quite a bit of blood anyway. She had an IV connected to her other wrist and looked frail.

"There you go" his mother said.

Quinn said nothing. Her eyes were focused on the wall beyond Puck.

"Can I go home now?" she asked in a flat voice.

Elisabeth Puckerman met her son's eyes.

"No, honey. We have to keep you in for a bit longer."

Quinn turned her face away. Elisabeth gestured to him to follow her. They walked out of the room that Quinn was sharing with an old man.

"When did she become like this?" his mother asked.

Puck searched her face. She wasn't being professional, she was being a worried parent. A worried parent who had taken Quinn in during her pregnancy.

"I don't know. A few weeks ago."

For some reason, he felt ashamed and looked away.

"Why didn't you tell anyone?"

"I thought I could handle it."

"Noah" his mother said, grabbing his arm. "She tried to kill herself."

"No, she didn't. She just wanted to feel, she's been feeling numb."

She let go of his arm. Suddenly, Puck felt exhausted. He slid down the wall and onto the plastic floor.

"I'm going to page for a psych consult" his mother said seriously.

He covered his face in his hands. Every ounce of strength had left him. He was drained.

"I thought I could help her."

His mother kissed his cheek.

"I know, honey."

…

"How do you feel?" the psychiatrist asked Quinn.

Her name was Dr. Allen, black and looked very serious. Quinn wanted to laugh at it all.

"Fine."

"Fine?"

"Yes."

It was almost two pm, her parents would be back soon. Puck's mom had called them. Quinn felt bad that her mother missed the brunch.

"Let's start from the beginning. You gave your baby up for adoption."

"This isn't about that."

"In early January, you were admitted to another hospital with hypothermia."

"I was lost."

"Without shoes."

Quinn watched her fingers. They were wrinkled from the long exposure to water.

"Quinn, why did you cut yourself?"

"I must have brushed against something sharp."

"Have you taken any medication or drugs?"

"Yes, some sleeping pills."

"Why?"

"What do you usually take sleeping pills for?"

"Are you annoyed with me, Quinn?" Dr. Allen asked.

"No" Quinn said truthfully. "I don't feel anything."

"Why not?"

"I don't know, I just don't."

Dr. Allen focused her eyes on her and Quinn looked away. She felt sick. Her arm was throbbing.

"Can I just go home?"

"No, Quinn."

"Can I go home when my parents come and collect me?"

"No, Quinn."

"Why not?"

"Because we're afraid you'll hurt yourself again."

…

"She's being admitted to some psych ward" Puck said.

He didn't sound like himself. He sounded hoarse and weak.

"Oh god" Santana whispered back.

Her voice was different too. Soft and scared. He couldn't see her expression over the phone, but he knew exactly how her face looked.

"I'm freaking out" he admitted.

Santana swallowed loudly.

"Wanna come over?" she asked.

"Yeah."

"See you in ten, then."

Santana's skin was hot and sweaty and he nuzzled his face into her chest. Her smell was soothing, just like his mother's was.

"Brittany's gonna get pissed at you" he whispered and kissed her collar bone.

"I probably won't tell her. Special circumstances and all."

He nodded. He knew her body so well. He would probably notice before she did if she lost five pounds or got knocked up.

"Let's just stay like this forever" he breathed. "Nothing can hurt us here."

She kissed the top of his head, like she really was his mother.

"I'm sorry you had to find her like that."

"Me too."

Santana reached over his chest, opened her nightstand drawer and fished out packet of cigarettes.

"We can share one if we open the windows afterwards" she told him.

He nodded. She lit it and handed it to him. The nicotine calmed him a fraction, enough for him to close his eyes as Santana took her turn. She blew smoke in his face.

"Wanna run away?" he asked.

"Where would we go?"

"Anywhere."

"What would we do?"

"I don't know. Fuck and drink and smoke and listen to music."

"Sounds great."

"Except that you are heads of heels in love with someone else" he sighed theatrically.

"Well, so are you."

"Yeah" he exhaled. "So am I."


	8. fathers, be good to your daugthers

The treatment center called "Horizon" was situated about 1,5 hours outside Lima. The house was large and white and looked like it had belonged better in Georgia than in Ohio. It had a huge porch, was painted white and had a white picket fence to match.

"Isn't this lovely, dear?" Judy asked over and over.

Quinn didn't reply. She bit her nails.

"Our program is very successful with teenage girls" the therapist or whatever she was said.

Judy nodded and smiled and Quinn wanted to go home. She didn't want to get _treated_.She didn't want to get locked up in the middle of nowhere.

"She'll have daily sessions with a therapist and also group sessions in the afternoon."

Quinn looked down at her arms. She still had the stitches.

"And how long do you think she'll have to stay?" Judy asked carefully.

"You shouldn't set a date on health."

"Of course not."

Outside, it was raining. Quinn wanted to sleep, in her own bed.

"Let's go and take a look at your room" the therapist/owner/whatever said.

Quinn got up and followed her into a small room. It was extremely neat and tidy. Two beds were placed at opposite sides of the room.

"You'll be sharing with Kayla. She's a lovely girl, I'm sure you'll become good friends."

Quinn doubted that, she had no energy for being nice or braiding hair. She sat down on the empty bed. She could hear the rain pounding down on the roof.

"Do you think she'll need medication?" Judy whispered.

Quinn pretended that she hadn't heard.

"We'll have to see."

"Right."

Quinn finally met her mother's eyes. She saw relief and suddenly Quinn felt hate. Her mother was happy about this. Finally, they could lock her away somewhere where she couldn't embarrass them.

"What are you going to tell people?" Quinn asked.

It was the first words she had uttered during the whole day.

"Don't you worry about that, dear. I have a plan."

"Of course you do."

…

"I'm Kayla."

"Quinn."

Kayla was small and pale. She looked like a mouse or hamster running in a wheel as she ran around their room with a wash cloth.

"It's your first time, right?"

"Yeah."

"My fourth."

"Oh."

Kayla kept scrubbing at the window. Quinn watched her silently.

"I'm very anal" Kayla explained. "I like everything very clean."

"Me too."

"Good. I had a problem with the last girl."

"Oh."

Finally Kayla sat down on her bed and smiled at Quinn.

"So, what's wrong with you?"

"Nothing."

"Really? Weird that they brought you here then."

"Yeah."

Kayla smiled sympathetically.

"I'm bulimic."

"Oh."

"And I keep relapsing."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

"Okay."

"You're gonna get an ugly scar on your arm."

"I know."

"What did you do?"

"Cut myself on a drinking glass."

"Yeah, right."

Quinn bit her lip.

…

"I'm Bailey" the woman said. "I'm going to be your therapist."

"Quinn."

Bailey was tall and skinny with flaming red hair. She could have been pretty but wore a pair of hideous glasses.

"How are you, Quinn?"

"I'm fine."

"Fine?"

"Yeah."

"Do you want to tell me what happened last night?"

"Not really."

"Could you please anyway?"

"I couldn't sleep so I stole some of my mom's sleeping pills. I guess they made me loopy so I cut myself on some sharp edge and passed out in the bathroom."

"Is that the whole story?"

"Yes."

Quinn stared into Bailey's eyes, but Bailey didn't look away.

"This boy, who found you, who is he?"

"What does that matter?"

"He told a nurse at the hospital in Lima that you have been apathetic lately. That you have told him several times that you didn't feel anything. That you started skipping school."

"He shouldn't have said that."

"Is it true?"

Quinn shrugged.

"Is that a yes?" Bailey asked.

Quinn shrugged again.

"Do you feel numb?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"Quinn, who was the boy who found you?"

"He's no one."

"No one?"

"No."

"He seemed to care about you."

"He doesn't."

Bailey sighed.

"You know what, it's lunch soon. Why don't we end it here. Tomorrow, you might feel like talking more."

"I won't."

"Okay."

…

"Why are you so sad?" Hannah Puckerman whispered in Puck's ear.

He jumped.

"Sorry" she mumbled quickly.

He rubbed his eyes. His nine year old sister was standing right next to his bed, in her pajamas, staring at him.

"I'm not sad."

"Mom says you are."

"It's nothing you would understand."

Hannah pouted. He realized that he hadn't looked at her properly before, she had grown a lot in the last couple of months.

"It's Quinn" he said.

"Your Quinn?"

"No, not my Quinn. Quinn Fabray."

"She used to be yours."

"Maybe."

Hannah sat down on his bed. She smelled like soap and toothpaste.

"Is she sick?"

"Yeah, I guess you could say that."

"Is she gonna get better?"

"I hope so."  
>Puck closed his eyes. He was exhausted from worrying. He needed Santana to sleep calmly, but that wasn't fair to Brittany.<p>

"I like her" Hannah whispered. "Quinn, I mean. I liked it when she lived here."  
>"Yeah, me too."<p>

"I'll pray for her to get better."

"She would like that."

Hannah smiled and left his room. Puck lay awake for six more hours before he texted Santana. She replied within seconds and ten minutes later he was kissing her in her room.

…

"Let's talk about love" Bailey said.

It was group therapy time. Quinn examined the other girls carefully. Some were incredible skinny, with hollow cheeks and sunken eyes. Others had scars on their writs and looked depressed. And some looked normal, just like Quinn did.

"I've never been in love" Kayla said. "I think it's because I don't really love myself."  
>Quinn wanted to roll her eyes at the cliché but Bailey nodded.<p>

"That's a good observation, Kayla."

"I _always _fall in love with the wrong guys" another girl called Amanda said.

She was one of the skinny ones, probably anorexic. They all went on talking about boys and families and dogs while Quinn watched them. They all seemed relaxed, like the belonged. Quinn felt uncomfortable and hot. She wanted to take a shower and go to sleep.

"What about you, Quinn?" Bailey said.

"I don't love anybody" she replied.

"I don't believe that."

She shrugged.

"Believe what you want."

"Your parents, don't you love them?"

"I don't think so."

"Why?"

"I don't think I can love."

"Why not?"  
>She shrugged again.<p>

"Maybe I'm just heartless."

Bailey looked at her for long time before moving on the next girl. Quinn wished that she had kept her mouth shut. Nothing good ever came from talking.

…

Two things happened on Quinn's fifth day. She was prescribed with antidepressants, a small white pill she would take twice a day. She promised herself that she wouldn't take it. She would hide it under her tongue or make herself sick if she had to swallow it. She wasn't some kind of depressed little girl.

The other thing was that she granted a phone call, five minutes of undisturbed talk with whomever she wanted. She stood a long time and stared at the plastic receive. She could call home, but she really didn't want to. She could call Puck, but she felt ashamed for showing him her worst side. In the end, she called the only person who had been there since forever, she called Santana.

"Santana."  
>"Hi, it's Quinn."<p>

"Quinn?"

"Yeah."

The sound of her voice made Quinn's lip quiver (which was absurd since Santana sounded just as bitchy as she always did).

"How are things?"

"Um, great" Santana mumbled.

"Oh, good."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

Silence fell between them. Quinn could hear Santana panting.

"Look, Q, I'm really late for practice."

"Oh, right. I didn't look at the time."

"Yeah. Well. It was good talking to you."

"You too."

They hung up. Quinn swallowed and put the phone back. She wished she hadn't called.

…

"Have you heard anything from Quinn?" Puck asked as he slid into her bed.

It had become a habit, them sleeping together (in both ways). He needed her warm body next to him. And he knew she hated herself for wanting him too. She had girlfriend (almost at least) sitting at home.

"Can we _not _talk about her?"

"Why?"  
>"Because it's all we do."<br>"It isn't."

"No, we fuck too. Great."

He stroked her cheek but she turned her face away.

"We're messing everything up even more."

"Then ask me to leave."

"You should want to leave, you know. You're in love with someone else and she will get hurt if she finds out" Santana whispered.

"She won't care."

Puck shrugged. He leaned over and kissed her mouth. She kissed him back.

"Let's just sleep" she mumbled against his lips.

"Okay."

"I mean it."

"Okay."

He rolled over to one side and closed his eyes. And thought about Quinn, because, except sleeping with Santana, that was all he did.

…

"Do you feel any effect from the antidepressants?" Bailey asked.

"No."

"Have you been taking them?"

"Yes" Quinn lied.

"Alright. Maybe we should give it some more time."

"Yeah."

"Let's talk about the baby today."

"What baby?"

"Your baby. The one you gave up for adoption."

"Oh."  
>"How did that affect you?"<p>

"It was the right thing to do."

"That wasn't my question."

Quinn took a deep breath. She was used to these therapy sessions now. They didn't freak her out anymore.

"It messed me up."

"In what way?"

Sometimes Quinn wondered if Bailey's job description read "ask questions about EVERYTHING", because that was literally all she did.

"The whole pregnancy was a catastrophe. Dad kicked me out when he found out. I lied about who the dad was. I hated myself and the real dad and the baby. And at the same time, I loved the baby."

"And the father, did you love him too?"

Quinn shrugged.

"You said the other week that you didn't love anyone, but now you say that you loved your child."

"I can't love anymore."

"It must have been hard giving her up."

"Yeah. It was the hardest thing I've ever done."

"And the father, did you two seek support in each other?"

"No. I couldn't look at him because he reminded me of her. And he, he hated me for giving her up."

Quinn closed her eyes. She felt sick. Like she was going to vomit all over the multicolored couch.

"He was the one who found you that night."

"Yes."

"He came looking for you."

"I guess so."  
>"How do you feel about that?"<p>

"I don't know."

…

That night, Quinn couldn't breathe. She felt like she a stone on her chest. She panted like dog in bed. She clutched her heart. It wasn't a heart attack, she knew that, it was some kind of panic attack.

"Are you okay?" Kayla whispered.

"No" Quinn moaned.

The anxiety burned in every vein. Everything turned red and blurry.

"I'm getting a nurse."

Quinn didn't even react. A few minutes later, she felt a cold hand on forehead and a kind woman looking down at her.

"You're having a panic attack" she said.

"I know" Quinn whispered.

"Have you been taking your medication?"

Quinn didn't reply. The nurse found her pill container and held one out to Quinn. She took it and swallowed without hesitation.

"Do you need something to help you sleep?"

Quinn nodded. She got a sleeping pill and after a few more terrible minutes, she dozed off. But before she did, she promised herself to gives the antidepressants a try.

…

"I'm worried about you" his mother said.

"I'm fine" Puck yawned.

He had just come home from Santana's and found his mother at the kitchen table, waiting for his arrival.

"You can't sleep, you don't eat, all you do is worry about her."

"Is that so weird?"

"No, it's perfectly normal, Noah. But it's not healthy."

He rolled his eyes.

"You need to see more people, devote yourself to something."

"I play football."

"Noah, listen to me. Even when she comes out of that facility, she won't be okay. And it's not healthy for you to try and fix her."

"She wouldn't let me try."

"I love Quinn, she was once like daughter to me. But you are my son and your well-being is the most important thing to me."

"I get it."

"Okay."

…

Quinn watched her father. He sat rigid in the couch, looking stressed and worried. It was first she had seen her parents since getting admitted. Judy kept holding her hand and stroking her thigh, but her father didn't even look at her. Not that Quinn cared.

"Let's talk about Quinn's grandfather" Bailey said.

Quinn closed her eyes and waited for her father to explode.

"It's a lie" he said, a bit too loud. "It's all a lie."

"Quinn has told me…"

"She's sick, right?" Russell asked. "Delusional and all that. She made it all up."

"She's not delusional" Judy hissed.

"If _that _boy said anything, it's a lie too, he just wants to hurt our family."

"Mr. Fabray, please calm down."  
>Quinn opened her eyes a fraction. Her father was standing up and looking flushed.<p>

"Quinn, tell them that you made this all up…"

"I didn't."

"Russell, sit down" Judy begged.

He didn't, instead he began pacing around the room.

"My father never hurt my children. He has been nothing but affectionate and supporting."

"He molested Jody too" Quinn whispered and then closed her eyes so that she wouldn't have to face her father's gaze.

"And your sister" Bailey said.

"Yeah, and Katie."

"This is absurd…"  
>"Shut up, Russell."<p>

"Judy, you can't be buying this?"

"Both our girls are broken" Judy whispered. "There has to be reason."

"It would be helpful if Katherine would come and participate" Bailey said.

"She won't" Quinn whispered.

"No?"  
>"No. She hates us all."<p> 


	9. it's better when you're here

"Hi, my name is Noah Puckerman. I was wondering if I could please talk to Quinn Fabray."

"Are you family?" the voice on the other side of line asked.

"Well, no…"

"I'm sorry. Quinn Fabray is only allowed to speak to her immediate family. It's our policy."

"Right. I get that. I just need to hear her voice, check if she's okay."

"We're taking care of her."

Puck took a deep breath.

"I'm sure you are, but, I just want to hear it from her."

"I'm very sorry."

"Can you pass on a message from me?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"Quinn shouldn't have too much contact with the outside world at the moment. She needs to focus on herself."

"I'm her friend."

"I'm sorry."

"Fine."

He hung up.

…

"I'm going home tomorrow" Kayla told Quinn at breakfast.

"Really?"

"Yeah, gonna try it out again."

Quinn bit her lip. If this had been high school, she would have probably never even spoken to Kayla, but here, she was her closest friend. She had experience of these things. She was calm and secure. If she left, Quinn would be alone.

"Maybe I'll come back before you leave" she smiled.

Quinn shook her head.

"I'm not going to hope for that."

"Me neither."

Quinn took a sip of decaf coffee, she wasn't allowed the real stuff. She had been at the _Horizon _treatment facility for almost three weeks. She was getting seriously behind on her school work. College applications were due. And she was stuck in some stupid house out in the middle of nowhere.

"I can't wait to get out of here" she sighed.

Kayla sighed.

"Wished I could feel the same."  
>"You don't want to leave?"<p>

She shrugged.

"Of course I do. But it's scary out there. Here, it's safe. People take care of us. Outside, I'm all alone again."

Quinn watched her friend's face. She looked shaken, almost scared.

"Please, get well" Quinn whispered.

Kayla clutched her hand.

"You too."

Quinn nodded.

"I will."

"No, seriously. You have to try, okay?"

"I will try."

"Promise?"

"Yeah."

…

"Why don't you wanna talk about her anymore?" Puck whispered into the darkness.

Santana was pretending to sleep, he could tell.

"San…"

"Can we just sleep?"

"No."

"I just don't want to think about Quinn Fabray 24/7. Okay?"

"That's it?"

"Yes."

She inched herself away from him and he let her. He wasn't being fair to her, he knew that. He had so many feelings and questions and he just needed someone to vent with. But evidently Santana was done with that. And who was he to blame her?

"We have to stop doing this" Santana hissed.

"I know."

"I'm serious. I'm, I'm dating Brittany."

"Officially?"

"Sort of, anyway."

"Good for you, San."

"Yeah well, I'm not handling it that well, am I?"

He reached out and patted her arm. She moved closer to him again. It was just so easy, like breathing.

"I hate being the one you use because you're lonely" she whispered.

"I'm sorry."

"But I need you too. Because we're the only two who gets it."

"Yeah."

She nodded. He kissed her forehead, quickly and without hesitation.

"Love you" he whispered.

She snorted because that was not the type of things they said.

"Love you too" she breathed back.

He smiled too. She inched closer to him and he pulled her in.

…

_Katie_

_I don't hate you_

_I never did_

_Not like you hate me._

_I hate him, though_

_He ruined us_

_You and me_

_Blood should be thicker than most things_

_Turns out it isn't._

_Q_

…

Brittany was allowed to come over with a tone on homework. Quinn had never been that excited for math and science and English literature before. She was bored out of her mind and with Kayla gone, it was worse.

"This house is pretty" Brittany remarked.

"Yeah, I guess it is."

She had had the choice to call whoever she wanted to get her the books, but after the disastrous phone call with Santana, Quinn had chosen Brittany. And it had probably been a good choice. Brittany didn't look at her like she was sick or anything. She just looked curiously around and asked if Quinn wanted to play scrabble.

"What's going on at school?" Quinn asked.

"Lessons, mostly."

"Right."

"Santana asked me if I wanted to be her girlfriend."

"That's great."

Brittany nodded and played the word CAT.

"She spends a lot of time with Puck, though."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

Quinn bit her lip. One part of her wanted to ask about Puck so badly, but she knew that she shouldn't. It would only hurt.

"Do people ask about me?"

"Sometimes."

"What do you tell them?"

"That you went to India."

Quinn smiled.

"And what is my mom telling people?"

"That you're ill, the plague or something."

"The plague?"  
>"Or something."<p>

"Okay."

…

_K_

_Do you remember when we used to like each other?_

_Do you remember that summer at the Cape?_

_You braided my hair and taught me how to do that weird dance?_

_You remember that, Katie?_

_It's the last good memory I have of our family._

_I think I was nine._

_Q_

…

"I think you should file a police report on your grandfather" Bailey said.

"He didn't really do anything to me. Not like he did to Katie and Jody."

"I still think you should."

"I know."

Quinn sank lower into the chair. The sun was shining into her eyes. Bailey had bought a new blouse. Maybe she had met someone.

"Let's talk about love again, Quinn."

"Do we have to?"

"Yes."

"There's not much to say."

"Your friends, tell me about them."

"Brittany is my oldest friend, we're born on the same day. She's, innocent, and a bit naïve. Some call her stupid, but she really isn't. She's just different."

"You sound protective of her."

"I've defended her a lot over the years."

"Who else?"

"Santana."

"Who's Santana?"

"My best friend."

"And what's she like?"

"Bitchy, spiteful, vindictive."

"Okay."

"And soft and loving and comforting."

"Okay."

"In some ways, she's like me. We hide behind this façade of evil."

Bailey looked satisfied. She always did when Quinn answered her questions without too much of a fuss.

"Any other friends?"

"No close ones."

"How about the boy who found you that night?"

"You know his name, why don't you use it?"

Bailey sighed.

"Alright. What about Noah?"  
>"He's not my friend."<p>

"What is he then?"

"I don't really know."

…

"They're releasing her next Friday" his mother said.

Her face was grave but all Puck felt was joy.

"She's better?"

"Yes, I suppose so."

"That's great."

"Noah, please remember what we spoke about. It's not your job to help her."  
>"I know."<p>

"She might not even want to see you."

"I know."

"Alright."

"Where's she going to live?"

"At home, I presume."

Puck frowned.

"With her family? The ones that made her like this?"

"Noah, that's none of our business."

"But that's contra productive. You don't cure someone from Malaria and then throw them back with the mosquitoes."

"They're her family."

He rolled his eyes.

"She will break again."

"It's not for long ,she'll be going to college soon."

"Mom, she won't get better if she stays with them."  
>"It's none of our business."<p>

"You're a nurse, you're supposed to care about people."

His mother sighed heavily. She had just come home from work. He knew that she was tired.

"Noah, please."

"She could stay here."

"No, she can't."

"She did once."

"That was special circumstances…"

"And this isn't?"  
>"Noah, please…"<p>

"She needs somewhere safe to stay. You're a nurse, you know how to take care of people. And Hannah loves Quinn."

"Do you want to Hannah to find Quinn like you found her?"  
>"No, of course not…"<p>

"I don't want to fight about this. I will talk to Judy, make her see that they have to take better care of her. Okay?"  
>"Fine."<p>

…

"How do feel about going home, Quinn?"

"I don't know."

"You'll keep taking your medication, you'll be back twice a month for sessions."

"I know."

"You're going to be fine."

"My father hates me."

"He's having trouble with this."

"And mom can't stand up to him, not really."

Bailey looked concerned.

"Isn't there anyone else you could stay with?"

Quinn though of Santana, but decided against it. Her tone on the phone had been enough.

"No."

"Okay. Give it try, 'kay?"

"Okay."

They both fell silent. Bailey watched Quinn. Quinn stared onto the carpet.

"Are you still numb, Quinn?"

"No."

"What do you feel?"

"Scared."

"About going home?"

Quinn nodded.

"I'm afraid I'll become like Kayla. Having to come back now and again. Never getting better."

"There's nothing embarrassing about relapsing…"

"I know, I know. It's just, being here, it's like wasting time. Life goes on outside, but here, everything stands still."

"You're strong, Quinn."

Quinn met her eyes.

"Do you really think so?"  
>"Yes. I think you're a strong and brave girl that a lot of bad things have happened to."<p>

Quinn averted her eyes again.

"I'm afraid of being alone."  
>"You have people, Quinn. You're not alone."<p>

Quinn smiled.

"You're good at your job" she said.

Bailey laughed.

"Thank you."

…

_Katie_

_I don't know if you're even getting these letters. Maybe you tear them up before opening them. I hope you don't. _

_I'm leaving today, going home. Dad still doesn't believe us. But then again, what could I expect?_

_I wish we could talk. Not now. That wouldn't be good for either of us. But in a few years. _

_I think we need that._

_Q_

…

"How did it go?" Puck asked.

His mother sighed.

"Judy… She means well."

"But?"

"She's weak."

Puck watched his mother wring her hands.

"What did she say?"

"She's in denial. Said that Russell will take care of them, that will _cure _Quinn."

"He kicked her out…"

"I know, Noah, I know."  
>Elisabeth Puckerman covered her face in her hands. Puck suddenly felt bad. He shouldn't burden her with all of this.<p>

"She can stay here."

"Are you sure?"  
>"Yes. But only until we find something better."<p>

"Okay."

"And she sleeps in the guest bedroom."

"Okay."

"And please, keep it that way."

"Look, we're not couple or anything."

His mother took a deep breath.

"She needs a safe place to stay."

"Yes" Puck agreed.

"She doesn't need to get heartbroken."

"I know."

"Okay."

Puck smiled at his mother.

"You're the best."

She rolled her eyes.

"I'm too soft."  
>"No" he disagreed. "You're just wonderful."<p>

…

"It's your decision, honey" Elisabeth Puckerman said.

Quinn looked between her and her own mother. Judy looked like she was on the verge of tears.

"Baby, we'll be okay" she whispered.

Quinn met her dad's eye, he was sitting in the dark. Bailey put a hand on her shoulder.

"It's up to you."

Puck stood next to his mother. She hadn't seen him in such a long time. He looked taller and thinner. And nervous. Could she stay with him?

"Quinn" he said, softly.

His voice made her body warm up. She remembered how his hands felt on her skin. How good he could make her feel. And how bad.

"I'll go home" she said carefully.

Judy smiled and gave her a hug.

"Alright" Mrs. Puckerman said. "Okay."

"Quinn, is that a good idea?"

She ignored him.

"I'll give it a try" she said.

"You do that" Elisabeth agreed.

Quinn nodded. Yes.

…

Quinn watcher father eat. He stuffed his mouth full of food and downed it with some beer. It disgusted her. She watched her mother. She wasn't eating the casserole, only lettuce and tomato and she was drinking red wine like it was water. Quinn was disgusted by her too.

"It's so good to have you back" Judy smiled.

"Yes" Russell agreed. "Finally, life can go back to the way it's supposed to be."

"And how is that?" Quinn asked.

"Well, you'll come to church with us again. You'll join cheerleading again, get a scholarship to Notre Dame."

"I'm not going back to church. Or cheerleading?"

Russell snorted.

"Why not?"

"It's not for me."  
>"God is not for you?"<p>

"No."

"Don't be difficult" Judy whispered.

"I'm not being difficult. I'm just actually doing what I want for the first time in my life."

Russell smiled at her. A tragic, sympathetic smile.

"It's those pills you're taking" he said.

"No, it's not."

"Come on, don't fight" Judy tried.

"No, let's fight" Quinn told her. "Mom, what do you think?"

"Quinn…"

"No, for once in your goddamn life, can you please tell me what you think?"

"About what?"

"About me getting my own life."

"Of course you should what you want, but…"

"But?"  
>"People are talking at church, wondering where you are."<p>

"Why does that matter?"  
>"Come on, Quinny, they're our friends."<p>

"Then tell them the truth."

"Quinn…" Russell began, but she cut him off.

"You two disgust me. Dad, you're the coldest person I have ever met. And mom, you're the weakest person I have ever met."

"Don't say that" Russell shouted.

Quinn closed her eyes. She felt tears dripping down her cheeks.

"And the worst part is, I'm a mix of you. I'm both cold and weak."

"Get out" Russell told her.

"Okay."

…

Puck made his way down the stairs. Santana had refused to stay the night and he hadn't gotten much sleep. He heard Hannah talking fast and high-pitched in the kitchen. He sighed. He felt hung-over even if hadn't been drinking.

"Morning" he murmured.

"Morning" she said.

He stopped. At the table, eating cereal and listening to Hannah's ramble, was Quinn. She wore his mother's dressing gown and her hair was messy.

"Wait, what?"

His mother kissed his forehead.

"Quinn is going to stay with us for while."

"But, when?"

"I gave my parents a shot, Didn't work out."

"Sorry."

She shrugged and went back to listening to Hannah. He didn't move, he just kept looking at her. She was here. He could take care of her now.

"Breakfast, Noah" his mother reminded him.

He nodded and sat down next to Hannah. She was telling some boring story about a pelican.

"Noah, Quinn's promised to do my hair later" she told him happily.

"Thank god. Your head looks like a bird's nest."

She stuck her tongue out at him. He met Quinn's eyes. She looked tired and pale and still too skinny for his liking. But she was here. Everything was going to be okay now.

…

"You're not going to school?"

"No" she said. "Not yet."

"Okay."

He stood on with one hand on the door handle, backpack on and coat under his arm. It was almost spring now.

"Look, I know this must be weird for you" she began.

"No, it's fine, Quinn. I promise."

"Okay."

He wanted to stay home with her. He had missed her much, he could feel it now. But he had promised his mother to give her space.

"I want to stay, but…"

"I know" she said. "I know."

He nodded and she nodded and they looked at each other.

"You're going to be late" she said carefully.

"Oh, right."

He opened the door and stepped outside.

"I'll be home by three" he called.

She didn't reply, maybe she hadn't heard him.

…

Quinn wasn't used to being alone and it was more disturbing then she would have thought. Every noise was loud; the clock's ticking and the sink's dripping made her wring her hands. There was nothing to watch on TV, it was too early to eat. She had no homework left to do. And everything was quiet, dead quiet.

Hannah came from school at one pm. And Quinn felt relief. She made them a snack and let Hannah talk about her school day. She looked like Puck, Quinn noticed. The resemblance wasn't striking, but if you concentrated you could see it. It was something about the eyes. And they way they gestured while talking.

"Are you pregnant again?" Hannah asked.

Quinn jumped.

"What?"

"I mean, you were last time you moved in…"  
>"Do I look pregnant?" Quinn smiled.<p>

Hannah blushed.

"No…"

"I'm not pregnant, Han. Just having issues with my family."

"Okay."

"Are you and Noah dating?"  
>"No."<p>

"Oh. Are you dating someone else?"  
>"No."<p>

"Is he?"

"I don't know, you should ask him."

Hannah pulled a face.

"Santana's been here a lot."

"Don't you like her?"  
>"I don't know. She says things and I don't know if she's joking or not."<br>Quinn smiled.

"She's hard to understand at times."

…

"Quinn's home" he told Santana after fourth period.

"Good."

"Wanna come with me and say hi?"

"She's living with you?"

"Yeah."

She snorted.

"No thanks."

"You can't be jealous…"

"I'm not jealous, you moron. I'm just, cautious. She's going to break your heart again."

Puck tried to meet her eyes, but she stared at her feet.

"You're her friend" he said.

"So?"  
>"Why won't you come and say hi?"<p>

"I just don't want to. Okay?"

"No, that's not okay."

Santana rolled her eyes.

"She needs us, San."

"No, she needs you."

"And you."  
>"There's nothing I can do for her."<p>

…

Quinn and Hannah were watching some kid show and he watched them. He hadn't known what to expect but Quinn was (in loss for a better word) _happy_. Or at least, she appeared to be. At least when she was with Hannah. Then, her face turned soft and her eyes bright. She let the ten year old go on and on about shit that Puck never paid attention too.

"Noah, come watch with us" Hannah called out.

He did. He pulled his sister close and kissed her hair. Quinn had braided it carefully earlier that night.

"You shouldn't bore Quinn with your stories, Han" he told her.

"She doesn't bore me" Quinn assured him, grinning at Hannah. "I love her company."  
>"Yeah, Noah. Quinn <em>loves <em>my company."

He wrestled her down on the couch, she screamed with delight.

"Please don't fight" Elisabeth sighed.

She looked tired. Apparently Quinn noticed it too.

"I'll do the dishes, Mrs. Puckerman."  
>"No, honey. You rest."<p>

"I think I'm going back to school tomorrow."

"If you think that's the right thing to do, I'm sure it will be good for you."

Quinn nodded. Puck smiled at her.

"Wanna a car pool?" he asked.

…

His car had always been their make-out spot. When she was pregnant (and sometimes very _frisky_) they had sometimes spent first period kissing in the school parking lot. Maybe that was why the atmosphere was awkward as he started the engine.

"You're good with Hannah" he said.

"I've missed her so much."

"She's glad you're back."

"Yeah."

He turned the radio on and then turned it off again.

"Look, Quinn, about _that _night."  
>"I'm sorry."<p>

"Don't be."

"I am. I never intended on you finding me like that."

"I know, I know."

"I never intended anything… I was just - out of it that night."

He nodded and wished that the picture of her bloody body would one day disappear from his brain.

"You feel better now?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"Promise?"

"I do. Not _fine_, but okay."  
>"Okay."<p>

He found a parking spot and turned the engine off.

"Let's keep it simple" he blurted out. "You and me."

"Of course" she smiled.

"Friends?"

"Sure."

"You nervous for your first day, buddy?"

She snorted.

"No, I'm fine, thanks."

…

"Hi" she said.

"Hi" Santana replied.

Quinn wasn't sure if she was going to reenter the glee club, but she was giving it a shot. And it was nice being in a room where people didn't whisper behind her back about her mysterious illness. These people knew. Artie had given her a hug, Tina some kind of oriental lucky charm and Rachel had improvised a song to her honor. But Santana sat on her chair, immobile, non-smiling.

"How are you?" Quinn asked.

"Isn't I'm supposed to ask you that?"  
>"I don't know."<p>

Quinn swallowed. She felt Puck move in closer to her, easing the mood of the situation.

He put an arm around her waist. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the warmth of his skin.

"Santana, aren't you singing something today?" he asked.

"Nope. Next week."

"Oh, right."

Quinn took a deep breath. She got the message. Santana was shut off for now. Good to know. Quinn smiled at her and went to sit down. Puck sat down next to her.

"Give her time" he mumbled.

"Yeah, okay."

"She's just upset…"

"I said okay, Puck."

Normally, he would have snarled back at her, but not now. Now, he was probably afraid to break her.

"Sorry" she whispered.

"It's fine."

She took a deep breath.

"It's fine" she repeated to herself. "_It's fine_."


	10. tell my love to wreck it all

He found her crying in the upstairs bathroom. He was going to take a shower and walked in on her sobbing on the floor. It gave him flashbacks of _that_ night.

"Hey" he murmured, bending down and sitting down next to her. "_Hey_."

"I'm fine" she whispered. "_Sorry_. I'm fine."

He dried her face with the sleeve of his shirt. Her make-up left it black and smudgy. He didn't care.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing" she said, trying to smile. "I just, I just got tired."

"That's okay."  
>"Yeah" she exhaled.<p>

He pulled her closer, letting her head rest on his chest.

"You don't have to take care of me" she said.

"So they keep telling me."

"I'm supposed to take care of myself."

"Nothing wrong with some backup."

She nodded.

"I guess not."

He inhaled the scent of her hair, the mix of _her _and his shampoo. He remembered her smelling like him when she used to live here and stay in his bed. He remembered waking up in the morning, rolling over and smelling himself on her. And her on him.

"I… I just don't want it to be this way" she whispered. "I don't wanna go to therapy or take these stupid pills."

She threw the orange container into wall. It opened and the pills spilled onto the floor.

"I know."

"I just wanna be okay. For real. Not break down because my parents are morons or Santana's being a bitch or that I'm cold."

He stroked her cheek. She nuzzled into it, like a kitten.

"I know."

Her fingers found his and held tight. He squeezed back.

"Backup's nice" she murmured into his chest.

"I'm always going to be here, you know that, right?"

"Yeah."

…

Puck was trying to tutor her in math, which was very sweet considering he hadn't attended a whole math class in two years. She was behind, seriously behind, but she still realized when he was explanation something wrong. But she didn't have the heart to tell him. Instead she nodded and agreed and made a mental note to ask someone else for help.

"And, then you have X" he said, proudly.

Incorrect.

"Thanks" she smiled.

"It's not right, is it?"

"I'm sure it is…"

"Damn."

"It was _nearly _right."

He pulled a face at her. It felt nice sitting next to him. Comforting. Soothing.

"You feel better today?"

"Yeah."

She didn't know if it was true or not.

"Are you lying?"

"I don't know."

She met his gaze. His eyes were cautious. _He's scared of me. Of what I might do._

"Someone's at the door" Hannah called.

"Open it then" Puck called back.

Quinn looked down at her papers. She didn't feel that calm anymore. She heard the door open and close.

"Hi" Puck said to someone.

Quinn didn't look up.

"Hi" Santana said.

Quinn lifted her gaze. Santana stood a few feet away, holding a box and looking nervous.

"Hey" Quinn whispered.

"Hello" Hannah chimed in.

Puck took his sister by the arm.

"Come on, Han. Let's do something else."

"Like what?"

"Just come with me."

They left the room. Quinn kept her eyes on Santana's shoes. She didn't have the nerve to look at her face yet.

"I'm sorry for being a bitch."

"I had one phone call and I called you."

"I'm sorry."

"I wrote you letters."

"I know."

"You didn't respond to any of them."

"Q…"

"Why do you hate me so much?"

Santana took a step closer. Quinn fixed her eyes above her head instead.

"You scared the living shit of me, Quinn."

"Yeah, but…"

"Just let me finish for fuck's sake. You scared the living shit out of me. You could have killed yourself. And I did nothing to stop it."

"There was nothing you could have done."

"You're my best friend. Of course there was. Puck wanted to guard you like fucking baby, but I told him I was done."

Quinn dared to look her friend in the eye. She could see redness. Had Santana been crying?

"I hate myself" Santana whispered. "For letting that happen to you."

"I'm sorry I made you feel that way."

"I couldn't deal. When you called, _I _wanted to kill myself."

"San…"

"I need you to forgive me."

"There's nothing to forgive."

Santana nodded.

"Okay. Okay."  
>They both fell silent. Quinn took a deep breath.<p>

"What's in the box?"

"What? Oh. Right."

Santana put the box down on the kitchen counter.

"Brittany's cat has kittens. Like a bunch of 'em. We found homes for everyone, except this one."

She opened the box.

"Oh" Quinn whispered.

A tiny ball of black fur peered up at them. It was so small and when Santana picked it up, it fit in her hand.

"And I thought, you might like to have her. I checked with Mrs. Puckerman, she said it would be okay."

Quinn extended a finger and petted the cat's tiny head.

"She's wonderful."

"Brittany named her Kitty. It's a ridiculous name, though. I guess you could change it…"

"Kitty?"  
>"Yeah."<p>

They exchanged a smile.

"Wanna hold her?"

"Yeah."  
>Quinn cradled the tiny kitten against her chest and felt like crying.<p>

"Can I really have her?"

"Yeah, you can really have her."

…

"She's fucking obsessed with that cat" Puck huffed.

"That was kind of the plan."

"You think it will make her feel better?"

"Yeah" Santana shrugged. "I think it will."

"It sleeps with her, in her bed."  
>"Well, it rather than you."<p>

He rolled his eyes.

"There's nothing between us. Not like that."

"Apart from that you love her to death?"

"Yeah, apart from that."

Santana squeezed his hand.

"Have you told her about us?"

"Is there anything to tell?" he asked.

"No, guess not."

She took a deep breath, he mimicked her.

"A cat isn't going to fix her" Santana told him.

"Yeah, I know."

"It might take months, years, to make her stable."

"I know."

"Let's try and not mess it up, 'kay?"

"Sure."

…

"Have you spoken to your parents yet?" Bailey asked.

"No."

"Will you?"

Quinn shrugged. It was weird being back at the Horizon. It felt claustrophobic and safe at the same time.

"What about Katie?"

"No."

"Your grandmother?"

"No."

Bailey bit her lip. Quinn took a deep breath.

"I'm doing good, though. I'm going to school and taking care of my cat and hang out with my friends."

"How's living with your ex?"

"He's more than my ex."  
>"What is he then?"<p>

Bailey tilted her head to one side and Quinn looked away. She couldn't describe Puck to someone who didn't understand.

"I think I love him" she whispered, uncertain if that would sound normal coming from her lips.

"When you were staying here, you told me that you didn't love anybody."

"Maybe I was wrong."

Bailey nodded.

"Isn't this good?" Quinn asked. "Isn't me _feeling _things good?"  
>Bailey smiled.<p>

"Of course it is, Quinn. I'm just afraid that you will get hurt."

"And come back here broken?"

"Perhaps."

Quinn swallowed.

"What should I do? Ignore him?"

"No, no" Bailey said quickly. "No. He makes you feel good, right?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. That's fine. Just be careful, okay? He must be fragile too."

"I traumatized him."

"Yes, maybe."

"And I will never able to fix that."

"Give it time."

…

Quinn went with Brittany and Santana to get prom dresses. She wasn't going herself but it was nice seeing the girls get dressed up. They were going together, like a couple. It was kind of big a deal.

"How about red?" Santana asked.

"You always go with red" Quinn commented.

"I like red…"

"You look hot in red" Brittany giggled.

Santana smiled smugly and went into the dressing room to try the dress on. Brittany held up a Halloween costume of Snow White's dress.

"I want this one" she said.

"You sure, Brit? It's a costume."

"What kind of costume is it?" Santana asked from behind the door.

"Snow White."

"Oh, well, that's okay. I was afraid it was going to be Harry Potter or the Hulk."

Quinn laughed and helped Brittany find her size. Santana came out in her tight, floor length dress. It showed off her cleavage and thin waist.

"It's gorgeous, San" Quinn whispered.

"It's hot" Santana corrected her, winking.

Quinn nodded. She had picked out her senior prom dress from this shop before everything fell apart. It still hung in the closet at her parents'. It was black and lace and wonderful. Maybe she could wear it some other time.

"You sure you're not coming?" Santana asked.

"Yeah. I don't think I could handle seeing that Laura girl win the title."

"Come on, Q, you don't even care about that crown anymore."

"I do."

"Nah, you don't."

Santana was right. Quinn didn't care about that plastic thingy. She just didn't want to go to prom feeling like this. She had always pictured being happy and popular and collected, not a freak on antidepressants.

"I think I'll just pass on this" she said.

Brittany came out then, wearing the costume and looking like an overgrown toddler.

"How do I look?" she asked, grinning.

Quinn smiled.

"You look great."

"Fabulous" Santana agreed.

…

Puck wasn't going that ridiculous prom either. He couldn't afford risking spiking the punch again and without booze, how much fun would it be? Rachel Berry had asked him to go with her (apparently she and Finn were having a hard time), but he had declined politely.

"You wanna watch a movie?" he asked Quinn.

She nodded. She was acting like she was okay with this prom thing, but he knew she wasn't. As long as he had known her, senior prom had been one of goals.

"Or you could still go to prom" he told her.

"No thanks."

"Why not?"  
>"I'm tired."<p>

She wouldn't look at him, that's how he knew that she was lying.

"You can tell me, you know."

"Fine" she exhaled, finally turning to face him. "I just wanted it to be perfect, this night. I've wanted it to be for so long and it would break my heart if it's not."

"Not perfect?"

"Yeah."

"You're scared?"

"I know it won't be perfect. I'm too bony for pictures, I'm not going to be queen, my date isn't the king – frankly, I don't even have a date. And I know you think it's lame, but, but I just don't want to be disappointed."

"Hey" he whispered brushing away hair from her eyes with his fingers. "You could still have fun though."

"Maybe…"

"No, not _maybe_. Come on, I know you can't drink but you can dance and drink yucky punch and wear a dress. You like that."

"You make me sound so deep."

He chuckled.

"I don't have date though."

"You have me."

"I do?"

"Yeah, sure. Anything for you, Q."

She bit her lip. He waited for her response.

"Just as friends" he assured her.

"Okay" she agreed. "As friends."

…

She sat outside the Fabray Mansion for over twenty minutes before making herself get out of the car. She could see her mother in kitchen, cooking something. Her father was probably watching a game. Quinn stopped at the door. Was she supposed to knock or just go right in? She hesitated for a minute before ringing the bell. Judy opened.

"Hi mom."

"Quinn!"

They stared at each other.

"I came to get my dress."

"Dress?"

"Yeah, my prom dress."

"Oh."

Quinn made her way past her mother. The smell of detergent and bleach and her family made her noise sting. She past her father in the living room without saying hello. Her room looked untouched. Her sweater was still on the bed, her slippers still spread across the floor.

"You want help with your makeup?" Judy asked, making Quinn jump.

"No, it's okay."

"But, but we practiced so hard, Quinny. To make it exactly like you wanted, smoky but still soft."

"I can handle it, mom."

Quinn opened her closet and pulled out the hanger. The dress was the still the prettiest she had ever seen.

"What are you going to do with your hair?"

"I don't know yet."

"Come on, Quinn. I'm your mother. I can help you with this."

Quinn turned to face her mother. And then she realized it, yes, this Judy could do. She couldn't help her or stand up to her husband or make things right. But she could make Quinn look pretty for her senior prom.

"Fine" she exhaled. "You can do my hair and makeup."

Judy beamed.

"I'm thinking up, I mean the hair, don't you?"

Quinn sunk down onto her bed.

"Sure, mom. Whatever you think."

…

Puck was casually leaning against the gym wall, trying to look busy and not awkward. Quinn was late. Maybe she had backed out. Santana and Brittany were boogying to the music, looking in love and happy and careless. Rachel was singing with the band. Finn was gazing up at her. Things was alright, Puck guessed, he just wanted Quinn to come.

"Hey" she said.

He turned.

"Hi" he said.

She looked, beautiful. She always did of course, but not like this. Her dress was tight and lace and black. Her eyelashes looked a three inches long.

"You look sexy, Fabray" Santana called from the dance floor.

She did.

"Shut up."

"You look nice" he told her.

She smiled nervously.

"You too."

They stared awkwardly at each other for about half a song before she giggled.

"You promised me a good time" she smiled.

"Right."

"Let's dance" she said and took his hand.

The song was slow and she danced close to his body. He smelt her perfume from her neck. Her hair tickled his chin.

"Imagine this" she whispered. "You and me, here."

"Yeah" he mumbled.

"The chastity queen and the felon."

"We're such a fucking cliché" he snorted.

She snorted.

"Except the fact that I went crazy and you turned nice."

"You're not crazy and I'm certainly _not_ nice."

She shook her head at him.

"I'm glad we did this."

"Good."

…

She drank enough punch to make her high on sugar. She danced with Brittany until a heal broke. She took heaps of prom pictures, some with Santana, some with Brittany and Santana, some with Finn (for old time's sake) and some with Puck. The photographer wanted them to kiss, but they laughed it off.

"You wanna go home?" Puck asked when they were herded out of the school.

"Yeah" she said.

He drove them home, but when they came to the house, neither of them got out. They just sat there, watching the dark windows and listening to the radio.

"I will remember this night forever" she whispered.

Puck smiled. She wanted to touch his dimples, feel his skin, but she knew that that was forbidden.

"Everything's going to be okay now, right?" she asked.

He nodded, turning to face her.

"Feels like it tonight."

"Yeah" she agreed. "It does."

She took his hand and held it tight. That was it, no kissing or touching, just that hand, but it felt better than that other stuff. It felt comforting and wonderful and soothing.

"We're such a fucking cliché" she whispered, repeating his words.

"Yeah" he exhaled.

They held hands until the sky turned light and Mrs. Puckerman came back from work. She slept in his bed that night, just slept, in her pretty dress. It was the best sleep she had had in years.

…

She received the acceptance letter from Stanford one morning in May. The envelope was thick and the paper smelled of hope. The joy she felt almost hurt. She hadn't dared to hope that she would make it, but despite all the crap that had happened, Stanford wanted her.

"_We're pleased to_…" Puck read over her shoulder. "You got in?"

"I think so."

He grinned at her, picked her up and spun her around over his head. She felt excitement in her stomach, and something else, maybe relief. She was getting out of this town, finally.

"Stanford, eh? Not bad, Fabray."

"No, not bad at all" she agreed.

"Makes Ohio State look kind of bad."

"You got in?"

"Yeah."

She stroked his cheek tenderly.

"I'm proud of you."

"It's not ivy league…"

"Who cares? We both got in."

She closed her eyes, trying to save this feeling of utter glee for the hard times.

"I feel like it will be fine now" she told him. "Everything will be fine."

She stood up on tiptoe and kissed his lips. She wasn't afraid of getting hurt, nothing could stop her now. The happiness felt like armor.

"Quinn…" he mumbled against her lips. "I don't this is a good idea."

"But I lo…"

He pulled away, stepping back. She felt embarrassed. He didn't want her, not like that.

"I'm sorry" she stuttered, wiping her lips off with her hand.

"I have to tell you something."

"Okay."

He looked as uncomfortable as she felt.

"I don't know if you even care, I just, I just don't want you to find you from someone else."

"What is it?"

He had met someone else. A girl. H was in love with her. A girl who wasn't crazy.

"When you were away, I slept with Santana. A lot. Like every night."

He stared at her and she stared back. And the joy inside her disappeared. She felt empty.

"Why?" she asked.

"I don't know, it was stupid. We just wanted something."

"She has a girlfriend."

"I know…"

Quinn took a deep breath. She picked up her acceptance letter, stuffed it into her purse and left. He called after her, but she didn't care.

…

"You're fucking moron" Santana cursed.

"I had to tell her."

"Why?" Santana spat at him, looking stressed and pissed and terrified. "Why in the fucking world did you have to wreck _everything_?"

He tried to take her arm, but she snatched it away and paced her room.

"She was going to tell me that she loved me."

"And now she never will. God for you, Puck. Great."

"San, you don't get it. She has never told me that, never."

Santana exhaled loudly. She looked pale.

"Brittany will find out now" she said.

"Maybe not."

"You didn't cheat, Puck. I did."

"I'm sorry…"

He could see tears glistening in her dark eyes, angry tears, frightened tears. He hated herself for doing this to her. He hated seeing her hurt.

"Where did she go?" she asked, her voice constricted.

"I don't know. She took her car."

"You should find her, Puck."

He finally got hold of her and made her stand still.

"I had to tell you first."

Santana wiped her face free from tears.

"I'm not suicidal. I'll be okay. Single, but okay. You have to find her."

"She won't wanna talk to me."

"You don't have to speak, just make sure she's safe."

He nodded and she nodded back.

"I'm sorry" he told her again.

"I know."

…


	11. we're doomed, aren't we?

Quinn's fingers were white from holding onto the steering wheel with such effort. She pulled over, stopping on the side of the road and turned the engine off. Her chest was hurting. She couldn't breathe. Out of her purse, she pulled her acceptance letter, that hope of a better life, a new start. She would never make it. Tears built up inside her but she swallowed them down. She tore the letter apart with fury and threw the pieces out of the window. She was stupid to have believed that she could escape all of this so easily. There was no way out. She was stuck with this feeling all her life. There wasn't anything she could really do about it.

"I'm trapped" she whispered.

She closed her eyes before starting the car again. The road was dark and empty. She had never felt so alone.

…

He looked everywhere for her. He called every person she had ever known. He called the police and asked the radio station to put out a message about her. But still nothing. The day turned into night and he had no idea where she was.

"Where is she?" he asked his mother.

"I don't know."

He hated himself even more now. He had hurt Santana and Quinn and Brittany with simply telling a truth. Maybe a lie had been more kind.

"She might be hurt" he said.

"I know."

He could see the lines of worry on his mother's face. She wasn't just concerned about some girl, she was worried about Quinn, a girl she loved. It gave Puck strangely enough some comfort, he wasn't alone in this.

"What are you doing up?" Hannah asked, coming down the stairs.

She was wearing her PJs and looking sleepy.

"Just talking, honey."

"Where's Quinn?"

Puck swallowed. He didn't want to hurt Hannah too.

"She's staying the night at a friend's" he lied.

"Did you fight?"

"No."

She nodded.

"Okay."

"You should go back to bed, Han."

"Okay."

She turned and went back to her bedroom. Both Puck and his mom watched her.

"If Quinn comes back, she can't stay here" his mother said.

"Because of Hannah?"

"Yes. We can't risk it. We have to protect her."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

Puck nodded.

"Quinn won't wanna stay here anyway."

His mother patted his cheek.

"Let's find her first, 'kay?"

He nodded.

"'Kay"

…

"Have you heard from her?"

He knew Santana so well that he could hear the worry even though her tone was nonchalant.

"No."

"Where the hell can she be?"

Puck crammed his phone between his shoulder and his ear so that he could drive and talk at the same time.

"I don't know."

"Do you think she did something stupid?" she asked, letting go of all pretence.

"I hope not."

He passed the Lima Lake. She couldn't have drowned herself? No. Of course not.

"We fucked up, Puck."

"I know."

Her voice cracked.

"I keep fucking her up."

"San, it's going to be okay."

She exhaled loudly.

"Don't lie" she whispered.

"Sorry, bad habit."

She snorted.

"Did you talk to Brit?"

"Yeah."

"What did she say?"

"Let's not talk about it."

"That bad?"

"Worse."

…

Puck spent the night the police station. It was the first time he did so out of free will. The officers kept telling him that they would call if they heard anything, but he didn't leave. He couldn't just go home and do nothing. He would rather suffer on a wood bench than be warm in his bed. Maybe it was self-punishment.

"Excuse me" a man said.

Puck looked up. The policeman who had once arrested him for stealing an ATM stood in front of him.

"Yes?"

"There's been a car accident. A car has hit a tree, a girl was driving" he said.

Puck went cold. He literally went cold. He couldn't move his arms or legs and his heart froze.

"Where?"

"Outside of town, near the highway."

He opened his mouth to respond, but no sound came out. He couldn't speak.

"You okay, son?"

He shook his head. Everything was spinning.

"Was it her?" he croaked.

"We don't know. I just sent a couple of guys out to check it out."

"She's dead?"

"We don't know yet."

Puck leaned back against the wall. His body had stopped working.

"Look, should I call someone? You look ill, son."

Puck handed him his phone.

"Call Santana" he mumbled.

He knew that she would be freaked out by being called by a cop from Puck's phone, but he couldn't muster the strength to talk. Everything was cold.

…

"Maybe it was an accident" Santana whispered.

She had been crying hysterically for hours. Puck just felt like ice, watery and cold.

"Perhaps" he whispered back.

He wished they could just tell him. _Yes, Quinn is dead_. It would be better than not knowing, anything was better than this.

"We should call her parents" Santana said.

"They don't give a shit about her."

"She's their daughter."

"Just wait a bit longer, San. I can't deal with them yet."

She nodded and placed her head on his shoulder. He was glad she had come. He would have hated to be alone. Santana shared his every fear.

"If she dies, I'm not going to make it" he whispered.

"Don't say that. I couldn't do it if I lost you both."

She took his hand and entangled their fingers. Hers were warm and slim, his were icy and stiff.

"I thought things were going to be okay."

"Me too" he breathed.

He leaned in to smell her hair. It helped. She was here. He had her.

"Have you prayed?" she asked.

"Yeah."

"Me too."

"I thought you only went to church for the free wine."

"This is a special occasion."

They shared a strained smile.

…

"Beatrice Scott" the policeman said.

Puck flinched, he almost fallen asleep.

"What?" he asked.

"That's the girl's name. The one in the car."

"You sure?" Santana asked, sitting up straight.

"Her ID said so."

Puck squeezed Santana's hand.

"Not Quinn Fabray?"

"No. And she had red hair."

"It's not her" Santana whispered.

"It's not her" Puck repeated.

"It's not her?" the policeman asked.

"No."

Something melted inside Puck. She wasn't dead.

"We still don't know where she is" Santana reminded him silently.

"But she's not dead."

He felt like laughing, but he didn't.

"I'm sorry about Beatrice" Santana said. "We're just happy that she died and not Quinn."

The policeman frowned, but smiled too.

"Guess I have to find her family."

He left. Puck kissed Santana's forehead roughly.

"There's hope" he whispered.

"Yes."

Just then, his phone rang. He didn't recognize the number but answered.

"Hello" he said.

"Noah Puckerman?"

"Yes."

"My name is Dr Bailey Henderson."

"Okay."

"I thought you might be worried about Quinn Fabray."

"Yeah, is she okay?"

"She came here yesterday, checked herself in."

…

Quinn stared into the ceiling. She was taking strong pills against the anxiety and felt drowsy. Bailey had been in to speak with her, but Quinn had been to out of it to respond. She watched the ceiling and counted nails in the dresser and didn't think.

"You're back too?" Kayla asked, walking into the room.

Quinn mustered a smile.

"Yeah."

Kayla lay down on the other bed. She looked worn out and pale. Actually, she looked like Quinn felt.

"I feel like shit" Quinn whispered. "I thought I was better."

"I feel like I'm better every time."

"I'm sorry, Kay."

"Me too."

Quinn directed her eyes to the paint on the walls.

"You came here voluntarily?" Kayla asked.

"I drove myself."

"Then, you are better."

"You think so?"

"I've been in therapy for three years. I've learned a few things."

Quinn nodded.

…

"It was nice of you" Quinn said. "Putting Kayla in my room."

"I thought it might be comforting for you."

"It was. Thank you."

Bailey nodded.

"Hold that thought because I did something you might not approve of."

"What?" Quinn asked.

"I told him where you were."

Quinn swallowed.

"I asked you not to" she whispered.

"I know, I know. But my husband is a police officer and he told me about a boy who wouldn't stop looking for this girl. This boy thought she was dead and my husband was worried that the boy would go nuts if she turned out to be. He asked me for help."

"It was Puck?"  
>"Yes."<p>

"Well, I'm not dead."

"No, you're not."

"Was she with him?"

"Santana?"  
>Quinn nodded.<p>

"Yes."

Bailey inspected her cautiously, but Quinn let no emotions show.

"They obviously care about you very much."

"Obviously."

She couldn't completely drain her that word from sarcasm.

"I doubt that they slept together to hurt you" Bailey said carefully.

"I know they didn't."

"Alright."

Quinn didn't know what to say, what to feel, what to admit.

"I know I don't have the right to be upset by this and that is what scares me even more. It's not a big deal and I still broke."

Bailey leaned forward and placed her hand on Quinn's arm.

"But you came here. You could have done something stupid, but you didn't."

They shared a moment of silence.

"Do I have to see him?"

"No, of course not."

"But you think I should?"

Bailey shrugged.

"It's up to you, Quinn."

"That was what I was afraid of."

…

Santana drove, she had insisted. Puck hadn't slept in 48 hours and felt shaky all over. He nursed a huge cup of coffee in the car.

"Don't spill that" Santana growled at him.

But he knew that she didn't really care. They were just pretending to be mess with each other.

"You can tell me what happened with Brittany now" he said.

"She cried. A lot. Screamed. A lot. Her mother threw me out. Not much to say."

He watched her profile. She was a very pretty girl, she could find someone else.

"Maybe she'll get over it."

"No, she won't and that's okay, I guess. I got my acceptance letter last week, I'm going to Berkeley."

"Wow, San, that's great!"

"And she's moving to Arizona for some dance school."

"Long distance could work."

Santana sighed.

"I can't keep faithful when she's right here. God knows what I'm going to do when we're in different states."

"Well, I won't be there so you might have a shot on this lesbian thing."

He snickered as she rolled her eyes.

"You should see her first" Santana decided, suddenly serious. "Alone."

"Why?"

"Because you have to tell her the truth."

"The truth?"

"You know what I mean."

He knew. He just didn't want to face it.

"And you're going to wipe her tears afterwards?" he asked, frowning.

"Maybe."

"I hate this."

"I know."

…

His hand felt heavy as he knocked on the door. A girl opened, not Quinn. She smiled and disappeared into the hallway. The room was small and dark. He could just make out the form of a girl on one of the beds. She appeared to be sleeping.

"Quinn" he said carefully. "Are you awake?"

She didn't stir. He made his way closer. It was her, but she was sound asleep. Maybe it was some medication they used, maybe she was just exhausted. He knew that feeling all too well. Well, he wasn't going to wake her. Instead, he clambered down on the narrow bed beside her and cradled her from behind. She nuzzled closer in her sleep, he kissed her hair. He could sleep for a bit too, it wouldn't matter.

…

Quinn woke up and knew it was him holding her. She didn't say anything, she didn't turn. She just lay there and let him hold her. It was nice and she knew, it would be the last time for a long time, maybe forever.

"You awake?" he asked softly.

She wanted ignore the question, to be with him a bit longer, but it was time.

"Yes."

He didn't move and neither did she. Maybe they could play pretend for a bit longer.

"You scared me" he whispered.

"I'm sorry."

"Me too."

"For what? Having sex with someone? It's none of my business."

"I shouldn't have done it" he murmured.

"I know you. And I know her. You needed comfort because I had gone crazy. It's my fault, really."

"Don't say that."

She could feel tears burning in her throat but it wasn't time for them yet. She had to be strong for a few more minutes.

"I ripped my letter up" she confessed.

"Why?"

"I'm not strong enough yet, this just made me realize it."

A single tear escaped her eyes. He stroked it away his thumb.

"You need to get away from here."

"I can't. I'm not ready."

"There's help there too, Q. I mean, California is like therapy capital of the world."

She let herself smile.

"I don't know…"

"Santana's going to Berkeley. You won't be completely alone."

"She doesn't have to baby me. I've put her through enough."

She felt Puck entangle his fingers with hers.

"Give it a shot. Think of the sun and the beaches and smart people."

"You think I can make it?"

"I'm sure of it."

She exhaled silently. He pulled her closer. The tears burned hotter.

"We're over now?" she said, but it turned into a question.

"I think we have to be."

"Yes" she agreed. "Yes."

"I love you, Quinn. I love so much it literally hurts me when I think about you. Love isn't supposed to do that. Love is supposed to make you feel good. But it doesn't because I'm so scared and worried about you."

"I'm sorry" she whispered.

She let the tears loose now. She couldn't fight them anymore. They made paths of wet down her cheeks, damping the pillow. Puck didn't try and wipe them away. She was thankful.

"You need to get better somewhere where I can't hurt you" he told her.

It sounded rehearsed, like a speech, but she was thankful. She wouldn't have had the guts to do it.

"Maybe one day" he began, but his voice trailed off.

"Maybe."

"But…" he began again. "I'm not going to wait for you. And you shouldn't wait for me."

She was pleased that he sounded so certain, even if he wasn't. She was too weak to cut the cord herself.

"Okay."

"Maybe one day, everything will work out for us."

"So this is it?" she said and again, it came out as a question.

"I guess so" he agreed.

"I love you" she whispered for the first time.

She felt his lips brush her cheekbone.

"And I love you. I can't imagine not loving you."

She nodded. He held her for a few more minutes before leaving.

…

Puck closed the door behind him and had to lean against the wall for support. Every last drop of strength was gone. He was sleep deprived and empty. He slid down the wall when his legs wouldn't carry him.

"You did it?" Santana asked.

He nodded, not being able muster any other action. She hesitated in front of him.

"It was the right thing."

"I know."

"Doesn't feel like it right now though, I bet."

"No, not really."

"Wanna hold the cat?"

She had brought the kitten to see Quinn. He snorted.

"Nah, thanks."

"Your loss."

She opened the door and stepped into Quinn's room. He watched it close behind her. He was helping her in the long run, he knew that. And he was helping himself. But it felt wrong. Weren't you supposed to fight for love? She had finally said it; _I love you_, just seconds after he had ended them for good. All he wanted was to back in and take it all back, but he had heard it her voice too. It was the right thing. They were just kids in the end, stupid kids in love. Puppy love couldn't cure mental illnesses.

...


	12. carry me home tonight

Quinn wasn't held at the institution against her will so after a few days Santana came and picked her up. They spent the ride singing along to rock songs on the radio and eating fries. Before Quinn knew it, she was back in Lima. Santana drove past the school and the police station and the church. Quinn watched it and gritted her teeth, this place wasn't going to ruin her anymore.

"Mom made lasagna" Santana said.

Quinn nodded.

"Awesome."

It was Santana's way of asking if she wanted to live with her. And Quinn's way accepting.

"Home sweet home" Santana said as they parked.

Quinn took a deep breath.

"My third home this year" she smiled.

"Aren't you lucky?"

They exchanged a look and got out of the car. Quinn could see Mr. and Mrs. Lopez setting the table. They seemed to dance over the floor, grinning at each other. Quinn could almost hear the cheesy Latino music from the stereo from just looking at them.

"They're happy, right?" Quinn asked. "Your parents?"

"They're stressed as shit, working their asses off. But yeah, I guess they're pretty happy."

"I want that."

"Me too."

Santana picked Quinn's bag up and lead the way to the kitchen door.

…

Santana's house was perfect for Quinn's recovery. It was never quiet. There was always a TV on or a fight going on or dishwasher screeching. And there was always something to do. Laundry or cleaning if Quinn felt compulsive, dance around in Santana's room if she felt down or gossip with Mrs. Lopez if she felt lonely. She didn't have the time or mind to think about issues. There were too many things going on.

"Three weeks to graduation" Santana kept repeating, like a mantra.

Since her breakup, she was even more eager to get out. When they went to bed, if Quinn felt scared or Santana sad, they would talk about California. About the apartment they would rent, halfway between their schools. About the beaches and cute boys (and girls) and movie stars. If being occupied didn't help, that always did. The power of hope was still so strong.

"Three weeks to graduation" Quinn echoed.

She hadn't spoken to Puck in weeks. It was part of their deal. He smiled at her in the hallway, but when Santana and he hung out, they were always at his place. One day, she thought, one day, she might talk to him again.

"Do you think Kitty will like California?" Quinn asked.

Santana snorted.

"She's a kitten, she won't know the difference."

"We will, though."

"Yeah, we will."

Quinn stared into the darkness of Santana's room.

"Three weeks until graduation" she repeated.

…

He watched her from the other side of the cafeteria. She was eating alone, reading a book. Santana was ill. She had no one else.

"Why don't you just say hi?" Finn asked.

He didn't get it.

"I can't."

"Why?"

"We're giving each other space."

"For how long?"

She looked beautiful. Mrs. Lopez was evidently feeding her carbs because her face was rounder, not as gaunt. It suited her, made her cheekbones less scarily sharp.

"Until she's better."

"You might not be around her when she's better" Finn said.

"I know."

It was painful, watching her from afar. Every facial movement made his heart skip. He hadn't spoken to her in forever but he could still look at her. It was his secret pleasure. Soon, he wouldn't be able to do that anymore. Soon, she was moving out of his reach.

"What if she starts dating someone new in California?" Finn asked.

"Then good for her."

"Good for her?"

"We're not right for each other right now."

Finn looked confused, but Puck didn't pity him. He envied him. Finn's biggest problem was that his on-and-off girlfriend was moving to New York. Sure, they were going to struggle, but he wouldn't have to worry about her killing herself.

"I don't get" he shrugged.

"I know" Puck sighed. "No one does."

"Does she?"  
>"Yes."<p>

She had finished her lunch and got up. He watched her leave and even if he was going to see her soon in Biology, it still hurt.

…

Hannah appeared on Santana's doorstep one afternoon. She was wearing her school backpack and her precious school uniform.

"Hi!" she said brightly.

Quinn couldn't help but smile back.

"Hi, Han."

"Can I come in?"

Quinn stepped aside and let Puck's little sister step into the Lopez house.

"Does your mom know you're here?" Quinn asked carefully.

"Nope."

"Oh. Maybe you should call her."

"Nah."

Hannah pulled off her thin jacket and hung on a peg on the wall. Then she went into the kitchen and sat down.

"Do you have any snacks?" she asked.

"What?"

"I'm hungry."

"Oh."

Quinn opened a cabinet and found some pop tarts.

"Han, I'm glad you're here, but your mom's gonna worry."

"Puck was supposed to pick me up from school today but he forgot."

"He forgot?"

"Yeah, he does that sometimes."

Quinn hid a smile as she poured Hannah a big glass of milk.

"Then you should probably call your brother."

"He won't remember that he forgot me yet."

"Alright."

Quinn sat down next to her. Hannah gulped down half the glass of milk at once. A thin white milk mustache lingered on the top of her lip.

"Why are you moving away?"

"I'm going to school."

"Yeah but why are so moving so far away?"

"Have you heard of California? It's warm and sunny and beautiful."  
>"Isn't Ohio beautiful? Puck's going to school in Columbus. That's only a two hour drive. I googled it."<p>

Quinn patted Hannah's cheek affectionately.

"Why did you move out?" she asked, staring intently at Quinn.

"It just didn't work out."  
>"I think it worked out great. You made me snacks and helped mom with the cleaning and Puck was happy."<p>

Quinn bit her lip. She didn't know what to reply. Yes, those things had all been great, but it wasn't worth it in the end.

"It's just better like this. Santana is my best friend. I can be pissed at her, but it doesn't matter."

"You couldn't get pissed at Puck?"

"Don't say that word."

"You did."

"Well, I'm eighteen, it sounds better when I say it" Quinn winked.

"Don't change the subject!"

Hannah looked determined. Quinn noted all the features that reminded her of Puck and stored them in her mind.

"Your brother and I, we were never just friends. There was always something else."

"Yeah, he's in love with you."

Quinn laughed. It sounded so normal in Hannah's voice.

"I miss you, Han. You're like a little sister to me" she smiled.

Hannah's face softened.

"If you marry my brother, you'll be like my sister for real."

Quinn snorted and sighed at the same time. If things were as easy as Hannah saw them, life would be a whole lot easier.

"Drink up your milk" she said. "And then, you call Puck."

"Can I stay?"

"If he agrees, then yes."

Hannah beamed.

"He never says no to you."

…

The Glee Club preformed at graduation. Quinn stood amongst her classmates and watched it from afar. She hadn't been a part of the club this year. Watching them, all together, made her regret it, but she also knew that she never would have managed to stay devoted. Rachel and Santana sang a duet. Quinn felt proud of her best friend. She was the best one up there, at least in Quinn's opinion. Yes, Rachel was destined for Broadway and Mercedes had pipes, but Santana had something else. Charisma, maybe. Puck was up there too, but Quinn tried to avoid looking at him. It was the last Glee performance ever and even if Quinn wasn't a part of it, it made her chest feel tight.

Principal Figgins held a boring speech about something that Quinn couldn't concentrate on. She watched the crowd instead. She saw the Lopez clan, all 40 of them, that had some to celebrate Sanitas big day. Puck's mother was in the front row, Hannah perched on her lap. Rachel Berry's dads were videotaping everything with a huge camera that Quinn guessed they had borrowed from some hip film crew. They were all there, all but Quinn's. Her parents weren't there. She hadn't asked them to come, hell, she wasn't even sure she wanted them to be there. But it would have been a nice gesture. Something like _I'm sorry we've disappointed you, but we love you_. But no. Russell and Judy obviously had more important things to do. _Whatever._

"How great was I?" Santana whispered, sliding back into the crowd.

She had a faint trickle of sweat running down her forehead and her cheeks were rosy. She looked elated.

"Average" Quinn whispered.

Santana elbowed her in the side. Someone hushed them. It was time for the valedictorian. Mike Chang. He spoke about passions and love and desires. Quinn didn't listen to this speech either, but she was still moved, just by the fact that he was up there. Someone she kind of knew. God, she was getting sappy.

"And I hope that each and every one of us will find our passion at college" Mike concluded.

Quinn clapped until her palms ached. She had dreamed of that speech, of being the valedictorian, since she was nine. That dream had been lost the day the pregnancy test was positive, but she still had written the speech in her mind. It had been very different from Mike's, not as cliché but less heartwarming. But of course, she was happy for him. It was just another one of her dreams that didn't come true.

"Last minutes in this crappy school" Santana whispered.

Quinn nodded. She turned her head and watch Puck. He was wolf-whistling Mike. She missed him. So much. She was here, eight feet from him and she already missed him. How would moving away help things?

"Class of 2012" principal Figgins announced. "Congratulations!"

Quinn didn't know who started it but suddenly hats were in the air, girls were screaming and cameras were clicking. It was over. High School was over.

…

Puck saw over his mother's shoulder that Quinn hovered awkwardly near the Lopez family, smiling and looking uncomfortable. He couldn't believe that her parents hadn't showed.

"Hey" he said, patting his mom's arm. "I'll be back in a sec."

She nodded, looking at the pictures she had taken of him receiving his diploma. He went over to Quinn. Maybe it was against the rules, but rules could be bent.

"Congrats" he smiled.

She jumped.

"Hi."

She had cried. It scared him. Any sign of weakness in her made him terrified.

"Are you okay?" he asked carefully.

She nodded.

"Yeah. I just got emotional when you guys performed."

"Oh."

He wanted to wipe the lingering tears of her cheeks but that wasn't just bending the rules, it was down-right breaking them.

"Judy and Russell didn't show then?" he asked.

"Nope."

"Idiots."  
>"Probably for the best though."<br>"Probably."

She was leaving in a few days. She and Santana were moving early to try and find a place to rent. He was going to work here all summer before going off in the fall.

"This town is going to be boring without you two" he said.

"It'll be normal" Quinn smiled.

She seemed nervous, her guard up.

"I got you something" he said, digging in his jeans pocket under the disgusting robe.

"You shouldn't have done that" she replied.

"It's okay, it's kind of old anyway."

He watched her tiny, agile fingers as they unwrapped the parcel. The silver cross, the one he had gotten her for Christmas, lay inside.

"Wow" she whispered.

"I thought you should have it back."

She seemed to weigh it in her hand, looking uncertain.

"I don't know if I believe in God anymore, Puck."

"Maybe you don't. Or maybe you just need to find a way to believe that's your own – and not your dad's."

She nodded. It was a weird conversation to have in the middle of the football field, on graduation day.

"Is this goodbye, for real?" she whispered.

"I don't know, maybe."

…

She lifted her hair so that he could fasten the locket around her neck. It was cool against her hot skin. His fingers made her shiver and sweat the same time. Was she spiking a fever?

"Take care of yourself" he said, serious and joking at the same time.

"I'll try."

"Okay, okay."

He had already gotten a tan. She wanted to feel skin again. Just one more time.

"Don't…" he began, but fell silent.

"Don't, what?"

"I was going to say something that broke the rules."

"Like _don't fall in love with someone else_?" she asked, smirking.

He smiled too.

"I stopped myself."

She embraced him, wrapped her arms tight around his back and breathed in his smell.

"I won't" she whispered.

"Don't say that."

"Okay."

She let her lips brush his cheek.

"Take care of yourself" he said again.

"You've already said that" she smiled.

"Oh."

She let go of him. She felt like crying, but she had to be strong now. It was hard enough.

"Bye" she said softly.

"Bye, Quinn."

She swallowed hard as he walked back to his mother. She cupped her hand around the silver cross, clinging to him in the only way she could.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Six years later<em>**

A hard knock on the door woke Quinn up. She sighed loudly. It was the sixth time this month that Santana had _misplaced _her key. Quinn grudgingly got out of bed, wrapped herself in her new robe and staggered into the kitchen. She unlocked the bolt and opened the door.

"I'm going to glue that freaking key to…" she began.

It wasn't Santana.

"Hi Quinn" Katie Fabray said.

"Hi" Quinn replied.

She wasn't really awake yet. She didn't know what to say.

"Can I come in?" Katie asked.

"What? Oh, yeah, sure. Of course."

Quinn stepped aside and let her sister in. The kitchen was neat but Santana had left an unwashed plate on the kitchen table. The OCD in Quinn wanted to hide it.

"Did I wake you?" Katie asked. "I thought you might have work so I wanted to catch you early."

"I'm off today."

"Good for you."

They both hesitated, watching the other. Katie looked, in lack of a better word, grownup. But she was of course, she was twenty seven, almost thirty. She wore a business suit, a tight skirt and a black jacket. Her hair was cropped short, just under her ears. She had lost weight, but still seemed rounder. It had been six years.

"I'm sorry for just dropping by" Katie said. "I was in the area."

"It's fine" Quinn assured her with a bit too much feeling.

They were interrupted by Santana, coming out of her room. She looked like hell, mascara all over face, her hair a tangled mess.

"Tough night?" Quinn asked nervously.

Santana didn't respond.

"Katie? Shit. I almost didn't recognize you."

"Hello Santana" Katie responded politely. "And I go by Katherine now."

"Katherine?" Quinn mumbled.

"Yes. I feel that my full name suits me more. Katie sounds like a little girl."

"Well, _Katherine _then" Santana corrected herself. "How very unexpected."

Quinn shot her a look.

"I'm in the area for business and thought I'd say hello."

"I'm glad you did" Quinn said.

Katie gave her a smile. Quinn couldn't tell if it was fake or not, she couldn't remember what Katie's smiles used to look like.

"Katherine Fuckin' Fabray, never thought I would see you again" Santana snickered.

Quinn gave her a death stare but she was too hung over to even notice.

"How about we grab some breakfast?" Quinn asked her sister. "I know a great place."

"Sold" Santana agreed. "Let me just shower first."  
>"You stay here" Quinn said menacingly.<br>"But I'll miss all the fun…"

"Shut up."

Katie raised her eyebrows. Maybe she wasn't used to saying foul words anymore.

"Let me just get dressed" Quinn told her.

…

Quinn waved at Matty and sat down at her favorite table, the one nearest the lake. Katie followed.

"What's this place?" she asked.

"My favorite" Quinn answered just as Matty came up to them.

"Hiya Q, the usual?" he asked.

He bent down and kissed her hair .

"Yeah" she replied. "Thanks."

"And your friend?"

"She's actually my sister" Quinn told him.

"Sister?" Matty asked, looking surprised. "Sorry, I've never heard of you."

He extended his hand to Katie. She shook it.

"I'm Katherine Fabray" she said.

It sounded so formal.

"I'm Matt and what can I bring you for breakfast?"

"Just coffee please."

Matty looked displeased. Quinn knew that he took it like an insult when people turned down his food.

"They make great omelets" she tried.

Katie shook her head.

"I already ate, thanks anyway."

Matty nodded and disappeared.

"He seemed to know you very well" Katie commented.

Quinn wondered if she should tell her the story of how they met but it was too long. Maybe later. If they got on well enough.

"Yeah" she agreed. "I come here a lot."

"It's a great place."

"It is. And it's really coming along, too."

Katie nodded. She looked around, inspecting the deck facing the small lake.

"You said that you are here on business?" Quinn asked.

"Yes. My company is merging with a Los Angeles insurance company. We're signing the contracts this afternoon."

"_Your _company?"

"I'm senior partner."

"Wow, well done."

Katie smiled and this time Quinn knew it was real. It was the satisfied smile. The one she used to sport when she had written award winning essays.

"And you, what do you do?" Katie asked.

"I'm a teacher" Quinn told her.

"Really?"

"Yeah, really. It just dawned on me one day. And I love it."

"Good for you, I guess."

"Thanks."  
>A short silence fell while Matty served them. Quinn's big plate of pancakes looked just as good at it always did. Today, he had added a handful of fresh picked strawberries on top.<p>

"For luck" he whispered as he moved passed her.

She smiled. Food was Matty's answer for everything.

"Where do you live?" Quinn asked.

"Cleveland. I moved there four years ago when my husband got a job there."

Maybe she shouldn't have felt such surprise but Quinn couldn't help it. She quickly scanned Katie's fingers, no rings.

"You're married?"

"Divorced" her sister told her.

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"Don't be. We weren't right for each other. I'm not upset over it."

"Why didn't you invite me to your wedding?" Quinn asked before she could stop herself.

Katie looked taken aback.

"We weren't speaking, Quinn. We haven't spoken in years."

"I know, I know. But it was your wedding!"

"It wasn't a big deal" Katie said, shrugging. "Just me and Daniel and two witnesses."

She hadn't invited their parents.

"Come on, Quinn" she went on. "It's not like you would have invited me to any major events of your life."

"Maybe not."

Quinn took a bite of pancake. Perhaps she would really need that luck.

"When did you get divorced?" she asked, mostly to have something to ask.

"Two years ago, I guess. Michael was two then."

"Michael?"

"My son."

Quinn choked on a strawberry.

"You have a kid?"

"Yes."

Katie dug in her purse and retrieved a small photograph of a dark-haired boy with a gap between his teeth.

"He's four?" Quinn asked.

"Yes."

She was an aunt. She had been an aunt for four years without knowing. For some reason, it was hard to wrap her head around that.

"Does mom know?"

"About Michael? No, why would she?"

"It's her grandson, Katie."

"_Katherine_."

"Sorry."

"We were our grandparents' grandchildren and look where that got us" Katie sneered, taking a sip of her coffee.

"Mom would never do that. She's not evil, she's just… weak."

"You speak to her?"

"Now and again."

"And dad?"

"No."

Katie nodded, twirling the picture of her son between her fingers. Quinn finished her plate. Matty came to clear their table.

"Tell Puckerman that if we can't find a replacement, he'll have to take the bartender shift tonight as well."

"Okay" she said, still feeling dazed from the revelation of Michael.

"Puck?" Katie asked. "He works here too?"

"He and Matty own this place."

"And you're still dating?"

"Yes or no or…" she didn't know what to say.

Katie cocked her head to encourage her to continue.

"You know, when everything broke loose, he wasn't actually my boyfriend. It was some kind of charade that I made up."

Katie laughed.

"Jesus, Quinn…"

"I know but I was scared and young. He went along with it though."

"He must have really liked you."

"Yeah, I guess he did."

"Did he come with you? After High School, I mean?"

Quinn shook her head.

"No. He went to Ohio State. We made a deal that we wouldn't keep contact. I missed him terribly though."

"But you weren't dating?"

"No" Quinn answered, smiling, knowing how strange this would all sound. "He met Matty there. They started planning opening a restaurant but Ohio seemed to dull for them."

"I bet."

"They transferred their sophomore year to a school here in LA but it took him eight months to come and talk to me."

"That must have been awkward."

"No, not really. We were just friends for a while. Then he asked me to marry him."

Katie raised her eyebrows in shock. Quinn smiled at the memory; Puck standing on one knee on the dirty carpet in his small apartment.

"And the rest is history?"  
>"No, not really. I said no."<p>

"Wow. Had you moved on?"

"No, I was scared shitless."

"What he did do then?"

"We took it slow. He took me out on our first real date, ever. To this place, they had just bought it. Matty cooked and we ate at this table."

"When was that?"

"Four years ago, I guess."

"And now?"

"And now, I'm not scared anymore."

…

They walked slowly back to Quinn and Santana's apartment. The sun was blazing down on their exposed faces. It was going to be a beautiful day. They had handled all the basics. It was time to deal with the rest.

"I sent you letters" Quinn said.

"I know."

"Did you read them?"

"Yes. I still have them."

"You didn't reply."

"No. I couldn't. The wounds were too deep, too fresh."

Quinn nodded. She could understand that.

"Have you gotten help?" she asked.

"My ex-husband helped me a lot, but no, I haven't gotten any professional help."

"Maybe you should consider it."

"It's been so many years, Quinn."

She nodded again. She had no business making complaints about Katie's choices. She didn't know her sister anymore. Quinn wondered if she had ever really known her.

"I'm glad you came to see me" she said.

"I'm glad you don't hate me."

"I never hated you."

"I hated you."

Quinn bit her lip.

"I know."

"It wasn't your fault" Katie began. "I just hated you for escaping it. I hated you for being so beautiful. For being able to hide your pain. For having someone who loved you."

"Mom and dad didn't love me more than they loved you."

"I'm not talking about them. I'm talking about Puck. He would have sacrificed anything for you. And Santana. I might hate her to bits, but she really does care about you, doesn't she?"

Quinn nodded.

"Yes."

Katie nodded.

"I was envious of that. Then I met Daniel and he made me understand love. Real love."

"Why did you break up?"

"In the end, we didn't work out, but I'll be ever thankful to him. He helped me so much."

"And your son? Did he help you?"

Katie seemed to consider it.

"Yes. I guess so. Having a child, makes you put yourself second. Michael is more important than me."

"I wish I can meet him someday."  
>"Maybe someday."<br>Quinn nodded. She hadn't expected an invitation to his birthday party.

"Does he know that I exist?" she asked.

Katie nodded.

"Yes."

That was good enough, good enough for now.

"Here's my car" Katie said.

A black, shiny Mercedes was parked a block from Quinn's apartment. Katie must make a lot of money.

"Good luck signing the contracts" Quinn smiled.

"Thanks."

"Maybe, if you're in the area again, we can have dinner?"

"I'm not going to be here soon again."

"Oh."

"But if you ever come to Cleveland…"

"I'll call."

They stared at each other. Quinn wondered how they were supposed to bid each other farewell. Hugging had never been their thing.

"Bye Quinn" Katie said, extending her hand.

Quinn shook it.

"Bye Katherine."

…

She clambered into his bed, nuzzling her face into his chest. He was still asleep after working late last night. She could smell the cigarette smoke and sweat on his skin. She should let him sleep, she really should, but she just wanted to be close to him.

"Is it morning?" he mumbled.

"It's lunchtime" she whispered back, leaving kisses on his chest.

He bent down his head and found her mouth. She let her fingers wonder down his stomach, over his warm skin, as he rolled on top of her.

"Good morning, beautiful" he mumbled into her lips.

"Hi" she mumbled.

She should be used to his kisses but she wasn't. They made her feel warm and safe and happy. _He_ did, not just his kisses. He made her calm. She loved him more than she dared admit to herself.

"Do you wanna have a baby?" he asked.

"Is this really the right time to talk about this?" she asked, smirking and taking off her shirt.

"Is there a better time?"

Her nails dug into his back as he moved down her body, placing kisses wherever he could reach. She was pale as the moon, he was tan and strong.

"Katie has a son."

"Katie who?" he mumbled, his mouth against her thigh.

"Katie Fabray, my sister."

He stopped. She made a disappointed noise as he stretched his neck and looked up at her.

"Your sister?"

"She came to see me this morning."

"How about you start with telling me that" he snorted.

"Don't stop" she protested, kissing his mouth with such force that he lost his breath.

"Tell me about Katie first."

"There's nothing to say. We ate breakfast, she has a kid, and an ex-husband."

She took his hand and placed it on her chest.

"Can we not think about my sister right now?" she asked, smiling.

"You brought her up."

"Shut up and kiss me" she whispered.

He didn't need asking twice.

…

She made him brunch which was very sweet since he was the one who owned a restaurant. Matty was head of food of course, but Puck had picked up some things from him. He wasn't terrible in the kitchen anymore.

"Hey, how about that baby?" he asked her, kissing her neck.

She was wearing one of his shirts. Her hair was tangled. He loved her like that.

"I'm making you food" she told him. "Don't distract me."

"I can't help myself."

He moved her hair and kissed her throat. She made a noise of pleasure.

"I want three."

"Three? I've already delivered one kid of yours and it hurt like hell. I'm not doing it three more times."

He began unbuttoning her shirt. Her skin was smooth and cool under his fingers.

"It'll be worth it, right? Two blondes and a brunette. Two boys and a girl."

She rolled her eyes.

"You're not the one that has to go through 20 hours of labor."

"I'll hold your hand" he offered.

"Gee, thanks."

Her shirt was open now. He slid his hand around her bare waist and pulled her closer. He could never get enough of her. Nearly two years without her had nearly killed him. He made up for it now.

"Come on" she struggled. "I'm going to burn your French toast."

He turned her around her and kissed her mouth. She tasted like strawberries.

"Let's get married" he said because that was his thing.

It was the line he had used to propose four years ago. Now, he used like a metaphor for "I love you" since those three words were too empty.

"No" she said because that was her thing and her way of saying that she loved him back.

"Let's move in together then."

"That's a new one" she remarked.

"I've been thinking about it. You and Santana have been sharing a place for six years. I've been living in this _dump_ for too long. We're not that young anymore. Crappy housing arrangements aren't hip anymore. It's just sad."  
>She laughed and went back the stove.<p>

"Sure, you find us a place and tell me where to put my stuff."

"Really?" he asked.

She shrugged.

"I don't want to listen to Santana banging girls through the wall all my life."

He grinned.

"Great!"

"I'm working tonight. Come over and I'll take my break to eat with you" he suggested.

She nodded.

"Around eight?"

He turned the stove off and pulled her closer.

"The food will get cold" she mumbled.

"Too bad."

He carried her back to bed.

…

He got her her favorite table again even though the place was busy tonight. She read a novel and drank her wine slowly as she waited for him. He was serving drinks, a smile on his face as his hands worked. As she watched him, he met her eyes and held up one finger, one minute. Okay. She could handle that.

"Didn't even know you had a sister" Matty commented as he placed the pasta in front of her.

"We're not that close."

The dish smelled wonderfully.

"Thanks Matty" she smiled.

"Anytime, honey."

He was tall and gangly, not really the build for chef. Girls fell over their feet to snare him but he uninterested. Quinn had tried setting him up with her friends but all he ever remembered from the dates was what they had eaten.

"Hi babe" Puck mumbled, pressing his lips against her temple.

"Hey."

He had carried his own plate out from the kitchen. It was twice the size of hers.

"I was thinking" he began. "That you should move in with me."

"With you? In your apartment?"

"Yeah, I mean, it's big. It's too big for one."

"I've been telling you to get a roommate for years now."

"And now I'm finally getting around to it."

He grinned, pleased to death with himself. She rolled her eyes.

"Your place hasn't been renovated since forever."

"Then, we renovate it!"

"I thought Hannah was starting college out here in two years and that she was going to live with you."

Hannah Puckerman had had her mind set on California for years now. Every time she visited, she fell more and more in love with everything. Quinn couldn't blame her.

"She can get a dorm. Or stay with Santana!"

"_Stay with Santana_" Quinn giggled. "Yes, that's a perfect role model for your baby sis. _How to get two STDs in one night 101._"

Puck took a big gulp of her wine.

"She's not that bad, Quinn."

"Santana? No, I mean, she actually had sex with that Mandy girl twice."

"Whatever. Hannah can work herself out. Okay?"

She swallowed.

"Is this for real?"

"Yeah" he shrugged. "Why not?"

There were a thousand things that could go wrong. They could fight or run out of money or hate each other. She fingered the silver cross around her neck like she did when she was nervous.

"Okay" she mumbled. "Okay."

Puck's smile was so big that she could almost see the pasta he had just swallowed. He leaned over the table and kissed her. She pressed her forehead against his.

"Let's get married" he whispered because that was his line.

"No" she said, because that was hers.

But she really meant _maybe_.


End file.
